There once was a big evil wolf
Who sought a young girl to engulf.
He put on Grandma’s dress
And caused major distress.
Now he’s banned from America’s gulf.
Tag Archives: Fairy Tales
Knights May Be Scarce, But Fairies Are Thriving
You know how the female fantasy
Used to be being held in a tower
Until a brave prince came a calling,
Slayed a dragon, and exercised power?
Well, now the female fantasy
Is to be the brave dragon who can
And wondering why the princes won’t die
To save damsels who don’t need a man.
Filed under Poems
Jasmine Is Not A Fan Of Arabian Heat
Mohammed had a magic carpet
That very ably flew;
It could go zero to sixty
In precisely 8.2
But Aladdin had a carpet
With a sunroof and AC
So the choice of who to date
Was obvious to me!
Filed under Poems
Instead of “Happily Ever After”, Say This
In almost every fairy tale
Before Disney went woke
Someone would be destitute…
Good-looking, yes, but broke.
Someone else would come along
And always do what’s right
And the two of them would marry
And ride off into the night.
The question that arises
But that Disney still ignores
Is how “Happily ever after”
Can coexist with chores,
How princesses and monsters
And kings and queens and knights
Can say that they are happy
Despite their many fights,
That life keeps getting in their way
And still they smile on,
Breathing fire in the evening
Yet they’re safe again at dawn.
These fairy tales could have said
“And from then on the chose
“Always to be partners
“Even when they felt like foes.”
But instead, soon I suspect
Disney will say “Though rage
“Occasionally dampened their spirits,
“They were saved by a higher minimum wage.”
Filed under Poems
Breaking: Pinocchio Becomes Democratic AND Republican Frontrunner
Geppetto saw the puppet
Come alive one fateful night.
He hardly could contain his pure
Excitement and delight.
He asked, “What is your power?”
To which the toy replied,
“My nose grows when I’m truthful
“And I’ve never, ever lied.”
Geppetto took the puppet
On a tour of the land
And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”
To all the coarse and bland.
“A gift to puppetmakers
“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”
And so, in awe, they watched the nose
And drank unto his health.
And as the ugly stayed the same,
The poor stayed destitute,
The puppet stayed beloved,
For his word was absolute.
This lesson serves to illustrate
Wherefore in every hour
We ought not correlate the truth
With presence of a power.
Filed under Poems
I’m Not Advocating Kidnapping, But…
We once had damsels in distress
And knights to ride to their aid.
Although the knights and damsels are gone
The distress somehow has stayed.
As the all-knowing poet
I have a solution of course:
We need more women who love dragons
And fewer men who own a horse.
Filed under Poems
Feminist Fairy Tales
Once upon a time
There lived a lovely dame
Who got stolen by a dragon
Which she thought was pretty lame.
No one came to rescue her
Cause didn’t need no man.
The princes stayed at home
And got flabby eating flan.
Filed under Poems
He’s Not Bashful About It
Let me tell the tale
Of the dwarf defined as Doc.
He was a man with paultry poultry
(Which is to say a tiny cock).
He’d be off to work each morning
With a high-ho and a pick
And he’d strike at stones much harder
Than his diminutive dwarven dick.
A princess came to stay with him
Despite her inhibitions.
Three days later she ate poison
Rather than stay in such conditions.
His beard is limp. His head is bald.
His eyes are beige and lumpy.
Since I’ve run out of insults
I’ll end the poem here. Love, Grumpy.
Filed under Poems
The Mother-In-Law Speaks
Her skin was white and milky
Like a lump of unchurned butter.
Her hair was soft and silky
Like a smooth something-or-utter.
She lived with seven midgets
With ironic, mood-based names.
She gave me a case of the fidgets
And set my life aflame…
Bitch.
Filed under Poems
Princes Need Rescuing Too
All day in the stables
Fighting straw dummies,
Shining our armor,
And tending our steeds
Preparing to rescue
Some distressing damsel
Who hasn’t a care
That we also have needs.
We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
To work for the purpose
Of rescuing you,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?
We put on brave faces
And ride o’er the kingdom
To locate princesses
Who’ll soon be our wives.
Thus is our duty,
Our privilege as princes,
And the entire purpose
Of our royal lives.
We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
Thinking of ways
To be noble and true,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?
Out broad shoulders need to be cried on.
Our arms need somebody to hold.
We need your assurance that love will be ours
When we’re fat, wrinkled, pervy, and old.
And so we will ride o’er the kingdom
With our perfectly coiffed princely do,
With the hope that we’ll save
The darlings we crave
Who know princes need rescuing too.
The Daily Travesty 