As a kid, I wanted
To win a Nobel Prize,
To heal the sick and dying,
Or to travel endless skies.
I’d live to one-hundred and twenty
And count the many ways I thrived!
This week I got excited
When my meal-prep box arrived…
Tag Archives: Humor
Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed
Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
Filed under Poems
Realistic Aspirations
There are a lot of things
That you will never be:
You’ll never be an airplane
Or a cup of Earl Grey tea.
You’ll never be a unicorn
Or a tube of chili paste
Or a fan of Hip-Hop music
Who has impeccable taste.
You’ll never be a lantern
Or a humble guy from Yale,
But thanks to human effort
You may just become a whale.
When Gen Z Starts Procreating
If I ever have a baby
With the person I call “Honey,”
I will name it “In the Headlights”
‘Cause when we sing “Happy Birthday” it’ll be funny.
Filed under Poems
Quit Selling Drugs And Make REAL Money
If you’re a burglar
And want to do something bad
To an ex-CIA agent
Turned middle-class dad
I think you ought to
‘Cause although you’ll get killed
Hollywood will tell your story
And teen boys will be thrilled.
Filed under Poems
For Everything There Is A Season
Some people say I’m not funny.
Some people say I’m just dumb,
But for years a grammatically-incorrect cat who wanted a cheeseburger was the funniest thing on Earth
So I figure my time will come.
Filed under Poems
Change Who’s Steering, Or Just Bail Out?
Sometimes it seems
Like society is a sled
Screaming down a snowy hill
To the place from which we fled,
And everyone who rides the sled
Are begging it to slow,
Save those who see the ski jump
And exclaim, “How high we’ll go!”
Filed under Poems
Instead Of Going Back In Time To Kill Hitler, Consider This Guy
“What if, instead of selling stuff
To people who will buy it
We interrupt TV and stuff
To talk about a diet,
A tv show, a sugar drink,
A car, or car insurance?
That should make folks love us,
Or at least that’s my inference!”
Filed under Poems
What A Catch!
She doesn’t play mind games.
She doesn’t hate pets.
These days that’s quite close to as good as it gets.
She isn’t ugly.
She isn’t mean.
She’s the not-baddest person that I’ve ever seen.
She has other friends.
She gets off the couch.
Her spirit animal is not Oscar the Grouch.
She’s not into drama.
She’s not a KGB spy.
My only concern is that “she” is a guy.
Filed under Poems
And From There The Epic Fantasy Genre Was Born
Their once was a dude from the Shire
That an old wizard wanted to hire.
He found this cool ring
That messed up everything.
Three books later it died in a fire.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 