If I lived under a rock,
Knew no news and bought no stock,
I’d find a slug to be my pet
And have much better internet.
Tag Archives: Humor
Nothing Like A Token Effort To Bring People Together!
I’m sitting at home on a Monday
Drinking water straight from the tap
While I stare at some novels by time’s greatest minds
And then sit and write out this crap.
Then I picture you, my dear reader
With more money and power than me
Reading this crap on the internet
And I know, in a way, you’re like me.
Filed under Poems
What Did The Pot Call The Kettle Again?
Nothing like the NFL
To use their helmets to tell
That the one-percent lacks
Empathy for the blacks
And are violent towards them as well.
Filed under Poems
Prelude to Sporking, If Ya Know What I Mean…
I’m not the kind to boast too much
But I attract those of feminine form.
I now propose a toast to such
In the hope such becomes the new norm.
There’ve been times in my past when companions are sparse,
Even times when there haven’t been any
But if one commits some subtle financial farce
A billfold makes none into many.
Never before have I seen such excitement
Or felt less akin to a dunce
When they paid for my patented eating utensil
Which is fork and spoon both, but at once!
Thus is my secret to wooing the broads.
Whoever would even have thought
That inventing the spork would improve my odds
Of females considering me hot?
Filed under Poems
Short Story Long…
Yesterday, I swore
To put in the work,
In no effort fail
And in no duty shirk,
With hopes that what came
Would be “awesome and clever.”
I fulfill that promise
This evening. However…
I spent the afternoon
Teaching and gaming
Then followed that up
With some Pokemon taming.
Now with just 32
Minutes to go
‘Til what is today
Becomes what’s tomorrow
I write out this poem
With many a rhyme
So that reading it all
Will take you a long time,
The idea being
If you must work hard
You’ll think me more effortful
And, thus, a good bard.
And if you stopped reading
Before that confession,
Having been turned off
By your own first impression
Or else by the length
Of the stuff with no point
Then you, with the title
Of “dude,” I anoint.
Alas, as I wrap up
These meaningless stanzas,
The latest of many
Poem-stravaganzas
I shed but one tear
For the non-finishers who’d
Feel so happy knowing
I’d anointed them “dude.”
Filed under Poems
So… Status Quo Then?
Tomorrow it shall be
My sincerest endeavor
To compose some light verse
That’s both awesome and clever.
Tonight my endeavor’s
To not lose my clout
While I promise you good stuff
That’s yet to come out.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Reflects Their Work Ethic
If you want the very best
Be a fan of the New York Jets.
That rhyme didn’t work quite right
And neither do they.
Filed under Poems
This Is What Happens When You Don’t Click “Like”
I’ve worked hard the past few days
But this is not my work that pays
And thus I write one stanza here.
Go read the stuff I wrote last year.
Filed under Poems
An Excerpt From Disney’s Cancelled Musical, “Beelzebabe”
I awake to a nightmare. The heat is infernal
Here in the land of damnation eternal
Where I was born, and where I can never die.
My homework is done, my chores are complete,
My collar is starched, and my bedroom is neat,
And yet there’s my dad giving me the evil eye.
I’d like to have breakfast in silence,
But the demons are having a feast
On faith, hope, and love… oh, and entrails…
Here in the domain of the beast!
I’m just a kid! I did nothing bad!
I’m just down here all because of my dad!
Eternal strife’s just a day in the life
Of Stan, Satan’s son.
When people sin or they touch themselves
They end up here, or so says the Bible.
I have done neither and yet somehow here I must stay?
I never knew who my mother was.
Who would make love to the Prince of Hatred?
For all I know Lucifer might just maybe be gay?
I’m born of spite, empty of light,
Nine layers deep and yet still I do right?
Why is this glee deep within me,
Stan, Satan’s Son?
I am the precocious instead of atrocious.
I always say “thank you” and “please.”
I can’t help but bother my nefarious father,
Who you call Mephistopheles.
Up in the sky, when the blood clouds part,
I feel in my decomposed heart a leaping,
Picturing worlds with fresh air, vegans, even romance.
Then I’ll go early to torment school,
Pausing to clean up a pool of lava
Hiding in alleys to sing hymns and, sometimes, to dance.
It’s been a while since I saw a smile.
It has been eons since I’ve had fun.
Why’s this my fate? Why can’t I just hate?
Love,
Stan
Satan’s Son
P.S. If you’re in Hell
Be like me: Rebel.
(Organ plays “dun dun DUN!)
Filed under Poems
A Poem for Folks Who Specify Their Pronouns
Roses are violet
And violets are rose.
That’s what they said,
So I guess that’s what goes?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 