They asked me to hold up
Fermented canola, you see.
I refused the order…
Sounds like supporting rapeseed culture to me.
Tag Archives: Humor
Concrete Washington: Folk Hero (Or Just Denzel’s Brother)
Indiana Jones was a big success
(Until 2008).
You have to wonder if similar names
Would enjoy a similar fate
Like Alaska Round, detective
Or Iowa Guysummoney?
Idaho Youhadhertoo?
Would people find these funny?
Kansas state thing be abused
Or must we resort to towns
Like Helena -West Helena Johnson
Or, better yet, Cleveland Brown?
Filed under Poems
The Best Video Game Story Since Tetris
I lived in a two-story house.
The upper floor was mine.
I told my mom “I’m moving out.”
She said “you’re 10, so that’s fine.”
I tried to leave my little town
But an old man happened to see
And called “don’t go into the grass.”
Then ordered “follow me!”
I walked back with him to his lab
Where he forgot his grandson’s name
And gave me a living vegetable
That some people think is lame.
The old guy’s grandson challenged me
To a battle without gore
And I showed the power of friendship
Via my brand-new bulbasaur.
From that point on my journey
Is a blur of fallen foes
From Brock, Misty, and zubats
To a couple missingnos.
Somehow grandson Noname
Was always a step ahead
But I met him in Vermillion
And made his Raticate dead.
Then I beat organized crime,
Filled an encyclopedia,
Became the champion of the world
Without even leech-seeding ya’.
I am in fact the very best
So between you and me
I think the secret to success
Is skipping puberty.
Filed under Poems
Thus Was Born A PhD
The problems with school are many
But the primary lamentation
Is that the methodology
Lacks invigorating implementation.
Instead of “teaching math”
We could promote symbolic logic.
Instead of “reading textbooks”
Let’s devour tomes-pedagogic.
Instead of “learning new words”
Let’s rejuvenate the vernacular.
It’s these zeitgeist-alterations
That would make school more spectacular.
Filed under Poems
But Both Are Equally Boring When Presented By The Intellectual Elite
I questioned the need
For vagina monologues.
Why we needed them was a mystery.
Then I realized
That the penis dialogues
Was basically just all of history.
Filed under Poems
You Didn’t Eat Your Broccoli, Thus…
Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.
Yeah, that’s a thing that Satan wants to do.
His mouth’s already watering
At the prospect of slaughtering
That tasty human spirit that is you!
Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.
I heard him to his Mrs. Satan say
“Hey, why don’t you and me go
“Have some eggs and Human Ego
“As a nutritious snack to start the day!”
Satan has a hunch
That it’s too soon for lunch
And, by that logic, also too soon for dinner.
But they don’t sleep-in in Hell
And to start his day off well
You are the perfect portion size of sinner!
(Everybody)!
Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.
He wants to fill his belly with your Id.
I hope you’ve read your Dante
‘Cause you’re what Satan wants. Hey!
That’s what you get for being a naughty kid!
Thus, Words With Friends
I figured I could dabble
In championship Scrabble.
Then he played “Krypterqu”
For 502.
Now I just play with the rabble.
Filed under Poems
How To Fail Less
If at first you don’t succeed
Find out who has made it so
Then stab that person ’til they bleed
And on to victory you’ll go.
This strategy has proven good
Historically for folks who are male
But wait! Do it not you should
If you cause yourself to fail.
Filed under Poems
Seven Crappy Little Poems I Wrote At 11:48 Last Night
Confederate Secrets
A lot of slaves were literate
Or so I’ve been told.
I wonder if they ever read
“Chicken Soup for the Sold?”
America’s Digital Security
Obama’s password:
PASSORD
Note: No “W”
Our Beloved President
Since I have a Lamborghini
They don’t care that my dick’s teeny.
I like… like “like-like…”
Liking, like, likes I, like, like.
You’re, like, welcome. lol
Christian Bakeries
I was going to buy a baguette
But they thought I was a faggot.
Nothing awful happened though.
They kept their bread. I kept my dough.
Technically Accurate…
If you like corn on the cob
There’s a very small chance you’re part of the mob.
Hell
If you want a drink in Hell
You’ll find you have to go
To that one drinking fountain
With the insufficient flow,
And French-kiss the rusty spigot
That’s soaking wet with drool.
Satan got the idea
From your local middle school.
Filed under Poems
When You Should Have Stopped After The First Weird Limerick
If you grew a six-foot long beard
You’d probably think it was weird
But after a while
You’d probably smile
And think “This ain’t as bad as I feared.”
And if a six-foot beard grew you
It would not know what to do
Because shaving’s a pain
And beards don’t have a brain.
These dilemmas are why I’m not a jew.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 