Tag Archives: Lies

Brought To You By Guest Author “Cal Endar.” (Not Really)

I want to talk about the months

And where their names came from.

Please know all of these are true

Even if they sound dumb.

Jan and Ferb Uary

Were brothers who shared a belle.

Jan got mad and misspelled Ferb’s name

But it all ended up pretty well.

March is based on Mcdonald’s logo.

April was the belle Jan and Ferb liked.

May is a grammatically better version of “can.”

June’s the month that nobody liked.

July was Julie, but was sad about Ferb

And got misspelled too ’cause she was so stressed.

August was named by a Texan who

In his accent said the words “I guessed.”

September was God’s gift to calendar’s everywhere.

October was named by someone who thought Ctober was lame.

Nov and Dec Ember were also brothers

But are last in the year ’cause they both had a stupid name.

I hope you feel more knowledgable

About months, but you probably don’t.

I hope you share this with your friends

But if you’re a smart person you probably won’t.

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Wherein A First-Time Internet Dater Realizes Honesty Is Overrated

I have no ambition,

Motivation, manly vigor.

I have very little money

And just three inches down there.

I wish I were more macho,

Richer, smarter, or just bigger

But your ad said if I’m honest

Then you really couldn’t care.

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Back To The Future XVII

Today is my birthday.

I’m seven days old.

From now on when they tell me

“Park the DeLorean”

I’ll do what I’m told.

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It All Ends Here

“Where should we sit?” I ask.

She says “Anywhere.”

So I sit in the corner,

And she says “but not there.”

So we move to the middle,

Which she doesn’t like too much.

We sat outside, but the people

Were bums, singers, and such.

We walked out to Jamaica,

And she seemed ok with that,

And I went back to the corner

With a tip of my “are you really wearing that” hat.

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“Final Notice”

Mu magazine subscription

Six years ago did end,

And thus I am assured

I’ll never miss an issue again.

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False Advertising

They say he played the violin

With a sound that roused the spirit.

I traveled far, o’er hill and dale

Hoping just to hear it.
I was trulydisappointed

When I finally met the fellow,

For he played not the violin,

But the world’s smallest cello. 

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On Deception and Burning Pants

“Liar, liar, pants on fire”
Was a taunt I often heard
From kids at school, and parents too
And even a parrot bird.*

So I thought I’d test the theory,
So I lied for 30 days.
Not once in that deceitful month
Did my pants catch in a blaze.

So I look now at the irony
Of a saying people try
To use to discourage dishonesty
Is, in itself, a lie.

Or maybe I’m overthinking again.

* This is a lie. I have never heard a parrot say “liar, liar, pants on fire.”

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The Best Part of Waking Up

I never drink Folgers,

And I’ll let you know why.

That slogan they say

Is a big stinkin’ lie!

 

No matter what model

They hire to promote

Their instant coffee,

The chance is remote…

 

That they’ll realize

The secret we keep:

The best part of waking up

Is going back to sleep!

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Lies

“Oh hello there honey,

I was just out with the boys.

I won’t do it again without telling you.”

(We did more than just make noise).

 

“People of my Country,

I will give you what you want.

For I, like you, am a humble man, all right.”

(Peasants, give me what I want).

 

“I was stuck in traffic.”

“No, your butt does not look fat.”

“Darling, why would someone ever lie to you?”

(They should like the sound of that).

 

We think lies will free us,

Like a “get out of jail free.”

And surely we’ll remember them all because

We lie so damn cleverly.

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