Pixie dust and fairy farts,
Princess hair and fey Walmarts:
Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.
The others are movies that Disney just did.
Tag Archives: Love
Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message
Filed under Poems
That Went Whale…
There once was a lovely young seal
Who captured my sea-mammal heart.
She had an adorable squeal
That made all my fantasies start.
I asked her to go for a drink with me
At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.
But I scared her away. I’d forgotten
That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.
Filed under Poems
Yes, I Stayed Home And Ate Ice Cream Tonight… Why Do You Ask?
I love you like a cat loves a laser
Or a box or a chair or a lap
Or a keyboard, a pillow, in front of the door,
Or wherever else it takes a nap.
I love you like a cat loves to poop
And the bury its crap in the sand,
And its talking like this that makes men like me
In relentless romantic demand.
Filed under Poems
When I Meet One, We Will Be Soulmates
All the little animals
Of land and sea and air
Sought to find a one true love,
Their one and only pair.
The birds and bees, the cats and dogs,
The frogs and toads were one;
The hare and tortoise, horse and fly
Paired up and all was done.
Alas, when pairing finished
The axolotl was alone
Because instead of socializing
It wrote poems on its phone.
Filed under Poems
Man’s Real Best Friend
Everyone needs a big fluffy blanket
That smiles when you hug it or throw it or yank it;
It can soothe pain and dry off your tears
And it does so for free over hundreds of years.
When Summer is hot and you lie on the grass
It holds all your food and keeps bugs off your ass.
When Winter is cold and the sky is all gray
The blanket will escort the darkness away.
A blanket can act as a robe in a bind
And a tangle of blankets can help you unwind.
Yes, everyone needs a big fluffy blanket
So next time you see one, remember to thank it.
Filed under Poems
She’s Cute Though…
My girl was trying to write
A poem for me tonight
She tried rhyming “dominion”
With “In my girls arms”
And that’s when we started the fight.
She requested I write her original poem
So here it is, verbatim:
“The Happiest Place On Earth”
Some may call it Disneyland
But we did not meet a bug.
Others call it Ikea,
Though we came home with a rug.
In my own opinion
The happiest dominion
Is that the happiest place on earth
Is in my girl’s arms.
Filed under Poems
Five Most Powerful Natural Disasters (Number Two Will Shock You)
He had wavy golden locks
That fell upon her shoulders
As he held her close with one arm
While the other parried boulders.
Behind them, a volcano
Spat hellfire in the air
But the hottest thing nearby was still
His chest, sweaty and bare.
An earthquake shook the lovers.
A tsunami got them wet,
But nature had no fury
To match their passion yet.
Then a tiny spider crawled
Across her silky bosom
Which quickly quelled the ardor
Of the trashy novel twosome.
Filed under Poems
Dear Ladies, Love Men
My girl made me a sandwich
And left a little note:
“Sandwich in the fridge. I love you!”
That was all she wrote.
That was all I needed
To get me through the day
And made every struggle, small and large,
Seem perfectly okay.
So when your boyfriend, husband,
Or another man declares
“Go make me a sandwich”
It shows you that he cares
Enough about your love to ask
For what he really needs.
If you want true love to grow
That’s how to sow the seeds.
Filed under Poems
She’s Still My Muse, But…
I wanted inspiration
So I asked my girlfriend to tell
Me anything that starts with a”A”.
It didn’t go so well…
“Um… um…” my girlfriend mumbled
As I asked again, “What starts with A?”
Finally she said, slightly annoyed
“Anchovie.” Then she said “Okay.”
I asked her to say literally anything
And she replied again “Hm.”
Then she pretended she didn’t hear the question
And said “David! David! Bum.”
It didn’t make for a masterpiece
But she inspired this poem you’re reading.
Now I’ll let you get back to your life
And let mom get back to her beading.
Filed under Poems
The Future Of Marriage
I love myself. I’m awesome.
I do, myself, amaze.
I really am incredible
In oh so many ways.
That’s why I decided
To buy myself a ring
And propose to myself romantically
While the doves of morning sing.
Alas, I’m so amazing
That I’m too good for me
So I turned down the proposal
And sobbed and said “Hehe.”
I am all distraught, and yet
I’m strong of will and mettle
Knowing that I’m great enough
To never, ever settle.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 