Someone told me
R*pe jokes aren’t funny.
I said, “You’re right, they’re knot.”
The time wasn’t ripe
To leave anyone hanging,
So I used a different * than they thought.
Tag Archives: poems
Six Feet Apart
I saw you in your sweatpants
And your Hello Kitty mask.
Yours was the sort of presence
In which a man might bask,
But basking’s off the table
Even though it breaks my heart.
I’ll just have to admire you
From at least six feet apart!
Yeah you were hauling groceries
Into your healthy home
From which, save for essentials,
You could not, for some time, roam.
You made my dreams come true just by
Returning from the mart.
With this telescope it doesn’t seem
Like we’re six feet apart!
And when you spend your days inside
Just watching your TV
No one in your house wears pants
Which means there’s room for me.
I send you morse-code love notes
And order food for you a la carte,
Just my way of making contact
When we’re stuck six feet apart!
Now you might think I’m creepy,
That I’ve gone a bit too far
By buying you a drink
After the feds shut down the bar,
But no one will arrest me
Just for causing you a start
‘Cause they’re emptying the prisons
To keep the crooks six feet apart!
So smile on your Zoom call
And when you’re making crepes,
And smile most of all
When Amazon brings your new drapes.
I made you covet COVID
‘Cause it gave you the head start
That you needed to ensure that we
Remain six feet apart!
Filed under Poems
There’s Still Time To Write-In Chuck Norris…
One world leader said
“Grab ’em by the pussy,”
But got elected anyway.
One would-be leader
Said “Don’t grab ’em by the pussy”
Before he did, so I guess he’s okay?
Filed under Poems
Yours Truly, Saedifotuo
There’s a meme you may have seen
That posits the following claim:
If you spell your name backwards
It is your “Demon Name.”
Now Bob and Racecar doubt themselves
(Though Racecar already did)
And you won’t see Regina anywhere
‘Cause she already hid.
Meanwhile, poor Natasha
Has mysteriously been ignored…
Thanks for reading this poem
And I hope you’re no longer bored!
Filed under Poems
How Ominous?
I saw an omen in the night.
I said, “You’re bad.”
It said, “You’re right.”
You say you saw the omen too.
You said, “You’re good.”
It said, “That’s true.”
I asked the omen, “How is it
“To them you’re great,
“To me you’re shit?”
The omen smiled and replied
“I choose to be
“What you decide.”
Filed under Poems
Tossup
Hello to you, dear reader
(Or listener, if you will).
Might I suggest a simple game
Of chance instead of skill?
It’s the tossing of a silver coin
To results in heads or tails.
Your side of choice is a liquid voice
But the other side is wails.
With a heads, you’re six feet taller
Dancing circles in the sky
With a castle full of diamonds
And a friend who’ll never die,
Your wishes but a whim away
In a life devoid of loss.
I’ll even throw a dragon in
If you’ll give my coin a toss!
With a tails, six-feet under
Is a wish that won’t come true
As sky and earth and ocean
Are a nemesis to you.
You look around at all you hate
But only mirrors see,
And the dragon’s on the table still
If you’ll toss a coin with me.
Should you face a face post-flipping
You’ll have all that you can eat,
Removed from all discomforts
And immune to all deceit.
Your words will carry weight again
And the sun will always shine.
The face you face just might be yours
If you’ll flip this coin of mine!
But if that face is hidden
Hidden will your face be too
Behind your ever-aching hands
And whatever that guy threw…
There’ll be excellence around you
But the best you’ll get is fair;
It’s the risk you take for sending
My coin spinning through the air.
Should you be a coward
To avoid the loss of tails
There’ll be lemon in your water
And wind within your sails.
Should you be a hero
And pursue the wealth of heads
You’ll have no fear of failure
And a lack of empty beds.
Euphoria awaits you
In the paradise you made
With an open grave beside it
Dug by hand and fortune’s spades.
A two-faced ally in the air
Does Heaven and Hell divide
Will you be fine with good enough
Or care to pick a side?
Filed under Poems
Playing With Fire
I’ve noticed as of late
Fortune seems to elude me,
Like the time I struck a match
And the match just up and sued me!
——————————————————–
I said “Dad, go long!”
He was twenty yards away
When I lit the fuse…
——————————————————–
God made wood flammable
Some time after day seven.
He made it burn with chemicals;
‘Twas a match made in Heaven.
Filed under Poems
Is This Too White, I Wonder ™?
Body and bread,
Sword and sheaf;
Stalk of muscle,
Blade of leaf;
Sweet or sour,
Baked or no;
It rises within us:
Tae Kwon Dough!
Filed under Poems
Coping With Invisibility
When I feel invisible
And that feeling makes me sad
I think of 5’11” African-American dads who play the viola, vote libertarian, and write poetry blogs
And I don’t feel so bad.
Filed under Poems
Musicians At Nursing Homes Be Like:
I tuned my guitar
Then unplugged the beepy things.
What a quiet crowd…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 