Tag Archives: poems

Christmas Somewhen

Somewhen there’s a child

In the snowy winter night

Staring upward into Heaven

And onto the brightest star.

Somewhen there’s a desperate man

Who lost his latest fight

Who’ll spend the snowy evening

In the backseat of his car.

Somewhen a chilly gentleman

Will give one final cast;

A trip to somewhere lonely ends

With pulling on a rod.

Somewhen there’s a virgin

Sitting on her ass

As it carries her to Bethlehem

Where she’ll give birth to God.

Somewhen at the skating rink

He steals a midnight kiss

As the lights and drinks are flowing

And all life seems to rhyme.

Somewhen brothers stand as one

Amidst a toxic hiss

And proceed to kill themselves

One shot at a time.

Somewhen wrapping paper tears.

Somewhen candles light

Someone’s unspoken birthday wish

And others left forlorn.

Among the bullets, bottles, candles,

Kisses, stars, and night

I hope another savior

Somewhen in you is born.

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Is Mary In Labor Yet?

We’ve waited for a while now

To celebrate some waiting,

Expectantly expecting

To be anticipating.

Today at last the wait can end

And world peace is beginning

Until the 26th occurs

And we resume our sinning.

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*Rapidly Buys Stock In Scarf Company*

If you throw plastic in the trash

I hope you realize

That you might be the reason

A baby turtle dies

And if, because of plastic,

Sea turtles end up dead

They can’t make turtleneck sweaters anymore

And you’ll have to wear scarves instead.

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Capitalism In Action

People are saying college is expensive,

That $100,000 in debt isn’t fine.

I worked hard to get a scholarship

And only owe $99,999.99

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At The Drei Goods Store

I met an old man born in 1919,

A genuine centenarian.

He was burdened with many a bag

So I helped the man with some carryin’.

His bags were filled with red cabbage

And I asked “Are you vegetarian?”

Turns out he fought in World War II;

He was a veteran aryan.

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Disagreement For Dummies

John said the best year

To be a sardine

Was 1783.

I think the best year

Was 1790

And thus John is dead to me.

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The Real Reason For Bread And Water In Prison

Want to give stopping crime a try?

We’ve got police and the FBI,

The CIA and TSA

And yet crime just won’t go away!

I have a method that may just work:

If somebody is being a jerk

Feed them lots of food, ’cause who

Commits a crime when they have to poo?

When perpetrators are constipated

You’ll find most violence had abated;

If you don’t want to end up dead

Feed potential felons bread.

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Hey Batter Batter…

I’m my softball league’s head chef;

For optimal nutrition

I like to make a Bundt cake

To get guys in a scoring position.

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My Dating Algorithm (1-10)

To find a man’s value

Divide his income by 10,000

Then subtract two to compensate.

To find a woman’s value

Call her a ten

(If she has a penis, call her an eight).

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Next Week: Child Puts “Mean People Suck” Bumper Sticker On Car, Wins Nobel Prize For Literature

It’s nice to know

In this day and age

Time Magazine will

Give you the front page

And give you the title

“Person of the year”

For being perturbed

Where rich people can hear.

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