I knew not how to spell “Schism”
And so I took a wild guess…
“I-t-apostrophe-s-P-
o-i-n-t-l-e-s-s.”
Tag Archives: poems
The College Nerd
Back when I lived in the dorms,
I was no fan of social norms.
It was there when I finally heard
My conscience say “you are a nerd.”
For in the dorm above my own
One night I heard a lustful moan,
Then another, then yet more
While I was beating my high score.
Although my skill is up to snuff
The type of games I play are tough
So I yelled “Be quiet when you *bleep* her!
“I’m trying to focus on Minesweeper.”
Now you may laugh and call me names
Since I scoff at sex while playing games
But I avoided future strife:
Minesweeper trains men for married life.
Virgin loser? Yep, that’s me!
Enjoy your one-night TNT.
Star Wars Episode IX
The stormtrooper lands
In Nairobi, Kenya
And fires his blaster
Into the falling H2O.
The Jedi asks the trooper
“What was all that?”
And the trooper says
“I miss the rains down in Africa.”
*Roll Credits*
Filed under Poems
Priorities
I don’t see why we’re worrying
About regulating guns
When supermarkets sell packages
Of eight hot dogs and ten buns.
Filed under Poems
Hopscotch Reimagined
Who are these people,
These lines of numbered squares?
How do they feel
As the world around them stares?
As they’re moved from chalk outlines
Into their waiting coffin
We wonder why they’re murdered
On playgrounds so often…
Filed under Poems
Four European Jokes
If you think you’re very nice
I’ll leave you this reminder:
No matter how kind you happen to be
German children will always be kinder.
——————————————————–
If you read the first jokes
And your focus yet lingers
How ’bout the Roman
Who held up two fingers
And said to the bartender
“Howdy there Clive!”
Clive asked “Two beers?”
But the Roman said “Five.”
——————————————————–
When France declared a civil war
At first we wondered “But what for?”
But thanks to the historically well-versed
We learned it was an argument about who surrendered first.
——————————————————–
Spain.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Was Originally Going To Be Longer, But It’s Sponsored By Apple’s Battery Supplier
I asked how she was feeling
And she said “Around 90%.”
That’s when I said
“If you were an iPhone you’d be dead,”
And that’s how my Wednesday went.
Filed under Poems
The Nose Ring Origin Story?
I wonder who first got the notion
That to enhance one’s beauty and grace
And inspire mens’ loving devotion
They should stick some hardware in their face.
Filed under Poems
Also… Elvis and Watergate
Falling feather in the sky
Falls to where I sit
And talk to fellow bus-stop-sitters
Who think I’m full of shit.
I tell them how I went to school
And met my true love, Jenny.
Sure, my IQ was seventy-five
But I learned a pretty penny.
I learned that trouble walking
Can be cured by being chased
And I got to go to college
‘Cause my legs were no longer braced.
After university
I went to Vietnam
Where I learned about the shrimp business
And saved guys from a bomb.
I met the president again
And became a ping-pong star
All because, in Vietnam,
I got a butt-tox scar.
I met Jenny in Washington
And bought a shrimping boat
And thanks to handy hurricanes
My business stayed afloat.
My shrimping buddy Dan and I
Bought some apple stock
Which made me very rich, so I
Took a three-and-a-half year walk.
After that Jenny got aids
And made me raise her kid
And, having done everything else,
That’s exactly what I did.
I appreciate you listening
And so I’ll tell you thanks.
Also, I just saved you hours
Of Alabama-voice Tom Hanks.
Filed under Poems
Nautical Issues
“I don’t know how to say this…”
Jason said to Captain Tull,
“But the otorhinolaryngologist
“Spilled Worcestershire sauce in the forecastle.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 