As I jogged through the locker room door
Coach was shouting “This is what we play for!”
I said “What coach means to say
“Is ‘this is that for which we play.'”
I guess that questioning coach’s decision
To end a cheer with a preposition
Resulted in, so it would seem,
My no longer being on the team.
While you might expect, after my blunder,
That I hope, in my absence, the team goes under
I don’t seek vengeance for my woes…
And it’s “In my absence I hope under is where my team goes.”
Filed under Poems
For Halloween I dressed like Legolas
From the franchise about the ring,
But as I walked about the town
People kept asking me to sing.
At first I didn’t understand
This request, but I caught on later…
People figured I could sing
Since I’m an Elvish Impersonator.
Filed under Poems
I saw the custard being poured…
Flowing, flowing flan.
Then the custard pourer tripped…
Going going gone.
Filed under Poems
He started as a humble sponge
Used to being ignored.
Then he got famous, his ego grew,
And he became self-absorbed.
——————————————————–
I picked up a hitchhiking balloon
Who was waiting at a bus stop.
I asked what sort of music he liked;
He said “Anything but pop.”
——————————————————–
My relationship: I wanted to end it.
I told my girl “I want to be independent.”
In her right jacket-pocket
She had my photo in a locket
And said “You are… in de pendant!”
…So I killed her.
Filed under Poems
I used to be wealthy, handsome, and brave.
I used to be known as whom all women crave.
I used to be humble, witty, and wise
But then I stopped speaking in nothing but lies.
Filed under Poems
If you’re tired of Trump
Then make the jump
To sunny Venezuela!
There you can shirk
And do no work
And the socialist state will pay ya!
You’ll save so much money
It isn’t funny
‘Cause there’s nothing for sale to buy
So if you bite your thumb
‘Cause there’s no food to bum
You can tell South America “hi.”
Filed under Poems
Today I’m bored and kinda tired,
For sure not feeling too inspired,
So a thought emerged within my head:
Let robots do my job instead!
So I was nit at all upset
When a robot said “I can write a rhyming couplet.”
I said “write me a country song,”
And here’s the poem that came along:
——————————————————–
See the hightailing of the cowboy,
I think he’s angry at the ahoy.
He finds it hard to see the horse,
Overshadowed by the rainy field of force.
Who is that yodeling near the saddle?
I think she’d like to eat the cattle.
She is but a rural addition,
Admired as she sits upon a position.
Her leather car is just a beer,
It needs no gas, it runs on steer.
She’s not alone she brings a dog,
a pet dog, and lots of parts catalogue.
The dog likes to chase a truck,
Especially one that’s in the dabbling duck.
The cowboy shudders at the country gun
He want to leave but she wants the bun.
——————————————————–
The poem’s bad, and I think it’s neat
That I am not yet obsolete.
Sure, technology is fun
But robots 0, human 1.
Those who take the roles
Of conducting political polls
Should receive an MD
In proctology
For their research in helping assholes.
Filed under Poems
A dozen roses can show your love
If flowers are what your love adores
But if you send a Rose Tico
You might accidentally kill Star Wars.
Filed under Poems
There once was a musclebound maverick
Who lived on a houseboat back east
Whose hobby was arm-wrestling pythons
And whose fingers’ tattoos spelled out “B.E.A.S.T.”
A menace that threatened America
Made the president call him to arms.
Then there was a gratuitous explosion
And a lot of red flashing alarms.
So Maverick emerged from retirement,
Shook hands with some buddies from ‘Nam
Then one more gratuitous explosion
This time from a nuclear bomb.
A scantily clad 20-something
Kissed Maverick and gave him a knife
After which he confronted the menace,
There was a gratuitous explosion…
Thus endeth the big bad guy’s life.
Somewhere in there’s a Bugatti
And a shirtless training montage.
You might think this doesn’t make sense,
Thus explosions and décolletage.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 