I wonder if animals watching TV
Think every show is just a human Lassie:
“Oh look! A talking human is saving the day.
“It makes its funny noises and everything is ok.”
Tag Archives: poems
Ye Olde Thug Lyfe
If I were a rapper I’d write some sick rhymes
About crimes and hard times and increasingly warm climes
But instead I’m a blogger and I’m writing these verses
Without curses so my readers won’t go out and steal purses.
Instead of glorifying living as a thug out on the street
I’m all for the institution’s safe and sanctioned meet-and-greet
And if you thinkin’ I’m a sellout I’ll correct you: If you think
Anything I’ve written here‘s worth paying for… go get a shrink.
Greenbacks aren’t a flowing to this blogger’s cargo pockets
Like they do for Tommy Cruise or to that baller Tyler Lockett’s
But I’m rewarded with a gift that no celebrity gets:
I can wear sweat pants to Costco and no one gives two shits!
Filed under Poems
Dwayne “Dwayne The Rock Johnson” Johnson
There once was a smoldering man
Who was muscular and quite tan.
He lost all his hair
But did not seem to care
And is basically new Jackie Chan.
Filed under Poems
Nature’s Chosen
Once in every generation
There is born a chosen one
Who eats their veggie burger
Wrapped in lettuce in lieu of a bun
Then drinks a pint of water
That they brought from their house
Because unfiltered tap water has chemicals
And plastic bottles they don’t espouse.
If you are of the lucky few
Who meet this special soul
It is your sacred duty
And your most important role
To take this person to your home
And shoot them in the head
So we can stop this “special” nonsense
And just eat our meat instead.
Filed under Poems
YouTube These Days
There once was a Nord VPN
Who played Raid: Shadow Legen(ds)
They sponsored this video
And now I must know
That Sharespace and GoDaddy come when?
Filed under Poems
Criminals Beware
If you commit a crime
Don’t record it on your phone
Because Siri’s always watching
Even though you are alone
And in court she’ll testify
And show you she means business
Because if Siri’s anything
She’s a certified iWitness.
Filed under Poems
1st Graders And I Have This In Common
Haikus are very
Very very very ver
Y easy to write
Filed under Poems
All I Need Is A $250-Million Government Grant
I want to start a charity
Where blind and deaf people come
And I describe to them how food tastes
‘Cause I’m hungry and I’m dumb.
Filed under Poems
But They’re So Big!
I think if we sold ostrich eggs
Instead of chicken eggs, we’d find
That what I think’s a good idea
Is not what anyone else had in mind.
Filed under Poems
Unbearable
If you say “I pike pandas” everyone smiles
If you say “I don’t like koalas” that’s fine
Say what you want about grizzlies and polars
But you mention the blacks and they lose their minds…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 