Today’s a unique day
When tens of millions of men
Are depressed as they begin waiting
To see men in tight pants fighting again.
Tag Archives: Poetry
My Superbowl Ad
If this poem were a commercial
Worth four million dollars
It would be filled with puppies
Running free without collars,
Their tongues in fluid motion
Lapping up a river of beer
As a celebrity drives an empty road
While shedding a single tear.
A song would fill the background,
Upbeat, with finger snaps
Sung by a choir homeless children
Wearing “Panthers 2016” caps.
It would have repeated dialogue.
It would have a big impact.
It would be better than what we actually saw,
And that would be a fact.
Filed under Poems
The Guy On Your International Flight
Open, gaping maw
Swallowing my will to live.
When will you shut up?
Filed under Poems
Finding The Next #1 Pick
I’m a talent scout
For your local Mickey-D’s.
I think you may have talent
For stacking bread and meat and cheese,
So if you fail a few more classes
I hope you’ll call me please.
Filed under Poems
Find What You Love and Get Paid For It
I used to be the leader
Of a bunch of nasty thugs
Who cut on people’s bodies
And sold a lot of drugs.
But now I’ve finally realized
That those things aren’t cool.
Now I’ll use my skills to prosper
At Harvard Medical School.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Judge Me!
I have a bit of a fetish
For chicks with webbed feet,
So when I heard of a “duck tape”
I went into heat…
Alas, the tape wasn’t naughty,
Nor even related to a duck.
Then again, when stuck between toes
It makes me feel ready to…
(Poet’s note: I removed some fowl language).
Filed under Poems
Star Wars Episode IX: Return of the Common Sense
“Killing is fun,
Don’t get me wrong.
I love being a part
Of this white-armored throng.
I’m just saying
We’ve got a whole galaxy!
Why force-murder each other?
Let’s split it 50-50.”
The last poem of an unnamed Stormtrooper Captain (55-72 ABY)
His lack of faith was disturbing.
Filed under Poems
A Boy Named Goose
My friends all shouted “goose”
As the spear flew towards my head.
I might be alive today
If they shouted “duck” instead.
Filed under Poems
Rethink Your Motto
Don’t come in here!
I have a hunch
That I soon
Must lose my lunch.
I had green eggs
And Ham a la carte.
“I’ll try anything once”
Is good fun, but not smart.
Filed under Poems
The Chihuahua Cometh
Hear ye, neighbors!
The herald of the morning
And a singer through the night
Has arrived this day!
He weighs four pounds
Of pure vocal chords
And hatred for humanity.
Next time think twice
About blocking my driveway.
Filed under Poems
