I asked how she was feeling
And she said “Around 90%.”
That’s when I said
“If you were an iPhone you’d be dead,”
And that’s how my Wednesday went.
Tag Archives: Postaday
This Poem Was Originally Going To Be Longer, But It’s Sponsored By Apple’s Battery Supplier
Filed under Poems
The Nose Ring Origin Story?
I wonder who first got the notion
That to enhance one’s beauty and grace
And inspire mens’ loving devotion
They should stick some hardware in their face.
Filed under Poems
Also… Elvis and Watergate
Falling feather in the sky
Falls to where I sit
And talk to fellow bus-stop-sitters
Who think I’m full of shit.
I tell them how I went to school
And met my true love, Jenny.
Sure, my IQ was seventy-five
But I learned a pretty penny.
I learned that trouble walking
Can be cured by being chased
And I got to go to college
‘Cause my legs were no longer braced.
After university
I went to Vietnam
Where I learned about the shrimp business
And saved guys from a bomb.
I met the president again
And became a ping-pong star
All because, in Vietnam,
I got a butt-tox scar.
I met Jenny in Washington
And bought a shrimping boat
And thanks to handy hurricanes
My business stayed afloat.
My shrimping buddy Dan and I
Bought some apple stock
Which made me very rich, so I
Took a three-and-a-half year walk.
After that Jenny got aids
And made me raise her kid
And, having done everything else,
That’s exactly what I did.
I appreciate you listening
And so I’ll tell you thanks.
Also, I just saved you hours
Of Alabama-voice Tom Hanks.
Filed under Poems
Nautical Issues
“I don’t know how to say this…”
Jason said to Captain Tull,
“But the otorhinolaryngologist
“Spilled Worcestershire sauce in the forecastle.”
Filed under Poems
Psalm 6:15 AM
1. And the Lord said: Thou shalt shower
2. And when thou have finished with the shower thou shall dry your face and balls
3. And shall dry thine face first, but sometimes have to dry it again after the balls
4. But fear not, for the Towel has a short memory
5. And where once thine genitals were dried, the spot shall be made clean
6. And the next morning the towel shall be refreshed, as if untouched the day prior.
7. And shouldst thou be aroused at any time
8. Thou shall hang the towel upon the “ready servant” and rejoice in your manliness
8. But thou shall not speak of this ritual to women,
9. ‘Cause bro, why wouldst thou?
The word of the Lord
Filed under Poems
The College Athlete
As I jogged through the locker room door
Coach was shouting “This is what we play for!”
I said “What coach means to say
“Is ‘this is that for which we play.'”
I guess that questioning coach’s decision
To end a cheer with a preposition
Resulted in, so it would seem,
My no longer being on the team.
While you might expect, after my blunder,
That I hope, in my absence, the team goes under
I don’t seek vengeance for my woes…
And it’s “In my absence I hope under is where my team goes.”
Filed under Poems
The Elf In Boots Of Azure Suede
For Halloween I dressed like Legolas
From the franchise about the ring,
But as I walked about the town
People kept asking me to sing.
At first I didn’t understand
This request, but I caught on later…
People figured I could sing
Since I’m an Elvish Impersonator.
Filed under Poems
It Rhymes, So It Doesn’t Have To Be Meaningful
I saw the custard being poured…
Flowing, flowing flan.
Then the custard pourer tripped…
Going going gone.
Filed under Poems
Venus In Manhattan
The day that Venus touched my hand
The night was dark upon the land;
The wind was very chill and grim
And the streetlights’ respites scarce and slim.
As her fingers met with mine
I longed for them to intertwine.
I held on tight as she let go.
How chill and grim the wind did blow!
I asked her why she ran away
But, no longer present, she’d naught to say.
And as I stood there all alone
I realized she stole my phone.
Venus, it seems, knew the pickpocket’s art
But knew not that she stole my heart.
So I launched “Find my iPhone”
And followed with a heart of stone
The steps to find my mobile and
The Venus who had touched my hand.
Down I followed many miles
Towards the thief and all her wiles,
Past the park and through the woods
And into shady neighborhoods
Until upon the spot came I
Where Apple said “Your phone’s nearby,”
And there I saw her, Queen of Love,
My iPhone held with woolen glove.
Her fingers danced light as can be
As she stole my identity.
I called out “Venus, I am Joe!”
She shrugged as if to say “I know.”
Then she shot me in the face
With majestic and transcendent grace.
As I descended to the dead
Her visage filled what was left of my head.
And on that dark and stormy night
When Venus’s left hand touched my right…
That hand which held the fated gun
Which well-ensured my life was done…
And whence the chill, grim wind had blown
I learned the downside of testosterone.
Filed under Poems
Three Wholesome Jokes (Almost)
He started as a humble sponge
Used to being ignored.
Then he got famous, his ego grew,
And he became self-absorbed.
——————————————————–
I picked up a hitchhiking balloon
Who was waiting at a bus stop.
I asked what sort of music he liked;
He said “Anything but pop.”
——————————————————–
My relationship: I wanted to end it.
I told my girl “I want to be independent.”
In her right jacket-pocket
She had my photo in a locket
And said “You are… in de pendant!”
…So I killed her.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 