As a kid
I never dreamed
I’d win a Nobel Prize.
Never did I
Imagine it.
Never did I surmise
That I would be
A hero for
Bringing new ideas to light.
I didn’t think
I’d make it
And so far I’ve been right.
Tag Archives: Postaday
You Knew It Was Coming By “APF”
A is for anticipation.
P is for participation.
F/I is for filmed in Imax.
A is for an anticlimax.
Filed under Poems
72 Days Too Late
“Best by November 2016”
Was on my salad dressing.
I shook my head as I poured it on
And hoped that Kraft was guessing.
Now my life goes with the flow
And I eat only undressed veggies.
On the bright side never anymore
Do people give me wedgies.
Filed under Poems
A Limerick For When You’re The Only Right-Winger In Your Social Group
If you think something’s funny
You are right
Unless it deals with pol’tics
And you’re white
In which case you’d best not laugh
For it might be a social gaffe
(But if you voted Bernie you’re alright).
Filed under Poems
a mach maid in hev’in
I asked what she got
On the SAT.
She said “mayonnaise.”
I said “so did me!”
Filed under Poems
Me, In 18-Years
I ain’t no spring chicken
But neither am I old.
I’m a 40-year-old husband
Who writes exactly what I’m told.
Filed under Poems
Competitive
Jack said “I bet” I can hold
My breath longer than you.
We shook hands and I staked cash
Knowing it wasn’t true.
Then I inhaled and so did he
Our cheeks and chests puffed out
And we proceeded with not-breathing
With the hope of earning clout.
15 seconds later
We both were doing fine.
We both were getting tired
When we hit a minute nine.
The suffering really started
At a minute thirty-two
And when we hit two minutes
We both had turned quite blue.
Another 30 seconds
And another after that.
Even though my name is Dave I
Hallucinated I was Matt.
A minute then another
Then an hour, then a week…
Neither of us dared exhale.
Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.
And when the comet hit the Earth
And brought the end of days
Jack and I, two zombies,
Saw the error of our ways.
We held our breath for eons,
‘Til the East became the West.
In our undeath we’ll break the tie
By seeing who can piss the best.
Filed under Poems
Barely Illegal
Going twenty-eight in a twenty zone
While casting glances at his phone
With his lap belt fastened but not his shoulder
And an open bottle of water in the holder.
He drove on through a yellow light.
He flashed no signal but still turned right.
He’s of a group of scofflaws such
Who’ll break the law, but not by much.
Filed under Poems
The Italian Disagrees With Your Solid/Liquid Dichotomy of Glass Consumption
You a say a that a eating glass
Is a bad a for a you
And that a if you eat a glass
You’ll a have an uncomfortable poo,
Yet a here you go a giving me
A water you hole a da ass
Cause you give a me the water
And it’s a in a drinking glass.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 