Bloodshot are her yellow eyes,
Pearly white her claws,
And you have been found guilty
Of not following her laws.
She deigns to shake her golden mane
Before she makes you dead,
The only just denouement
For leaving the cat unfed.
Tag Archives: Scary
The Moment Before You Concede The Custody Battle
When I was but a tiny lad,
Not more than eight years old
My mom would tell me “Go to bed”
And I’d do as I was told.
Now I tuck in my 8-year old
And say “Good night. Sweet dreams.”
And she replies “Keep lecturing me
“And they’ll never hear your screams.”
Filed under Poems
Mom Was Right
There comes a time in our epoch
When you face the toughest of fights,
You, insignificant human
Alone with the crusher of lights,
A few hundred pounds of soft tissue
Versus a beast from which no one can hide
But you have one ally to help you:
You can turn off the screen and go outside.
Filed under Poems
Especially If Her Name Is Daisy
My favorite flowers are daisies.
My favorite black president is Obama.
My favorite meal and my favorite animal
Both are the same: They’re yo’ mama.
Filed under Poems
Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)
This morning I woke up in Heaven
In my bed at 10:43.
The sun glowed gold. I smiled
And your face smiled back at me.
The coffee and breakfast was ready
With a whole day to spend with my queen.
I looked back at your face and realized
Your body was nowhere to be seen.
Turns out to awaken in Heaven
Is not always as nice as it seems,
Or so I discovered when angels
Began to harmonize songs with my screams.
As I woke back on Earth to the thunder
All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone
I realized Heaven’s got its downsides
And sometimes there’s no place like home.
Filed under Poems
True Story Guest Post: The Epic of Hwy 99
Such a travesty is BC Hwy 99I think the guys who built it were blind
Or perhaps were very drunk
This road doesn’t make sense to a duck.
The road was built for Mario Cart
Level one is 340 degree turns
Level two is curves that lead to un-marked one-lane bridges
Level three add turning trucks
And if that isn’t more than enough
Level four the deer are suicidal.
Level five we take away the road signs
Level six adds falling rocks
Level seven adds the rain
Level eight is and 15% grade
Level nine is 10 km/hr on that grade
I don’t want to reach level ten —
Not even the Buddha has that level zen.
JOFFRE LAKES!
Now it all makes sense!
And at the village intersection
As the clock strikes midnight,
We pass the bloody Grim.
And across a bridge we go
To be warned of washout conditions.
I have 99 problems
And this road is all of them.
Filed under Poems
Mr. Lecter Helps Educate Recent Graduates
“Do what makes you happy”
Is what my first psychiatrist said,
So can you really blame me
When the shrink ended up all dead?
Filed under Poems
How I Greet New Neighbors
Like an inexpensive cut of meat
Stewed for many a lukewarm hour
You’re welcome when sold on my street
But far less welcome in my shower.
Filed under Poems
KOA Circa 1801
Sparks rise into the cold black air.
We the living huddle by the source.
We’ve a pail of frigid water to wash our hair
And the lot of us smell more or less like horse.
The moon is but a crack in gloomy midnight.
Our dinner was a lukewarm can of beans.
We’re thirsty after hours in harsh sunlight
But there’s no clean water to fill up our canteens.
Somewhere in the blackness comes a growling
And we dare not leave our camp to take a piss.
All the while Daddy is a smiling
While the rest of the family thinks “we paid for this?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 