In kindergarten, there was a boy
Who said “You’re dumb and old
“And you’re bald and gross and poopy
“And you do whatever you’re told.”
I turned to face the parents
Whose expressions were most hesitant
And I proudly said, “We’re learning
“About how to describe the president!”
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She said “I love ventriloquists.”
Her vagina said “That’s right!”
In my defense, she laughed at that
But I’m still on the couch tonight.
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My wife is on the sofa
Running through the golden grass
Trying to catch an Eevee
Which is a real pain in the ass.
She’s been doing this for hours,
A frustrating type of zen
And I feel like she’s living out
My childhood again.
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I believe in a world without sin,
Where nobody’s mean and we all fit in,
A world without sorrow or famine or fear
But it doesn’t have cake, so I’m fine staying here.
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I’m living life in such a way
That if anybody would
Try to steal my brain for science
Science would say, “No thanks, I’m good.”
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There once was a woman (my wife)
Who experienced female strife.
I bought her “Unicorn Princess” for the switch
And now she’s not so much of a… stressed person
And what is going on with my life?
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My Mom made me many meals
When I was but a qsuirt.
She proofreads my poetry
And ironed me a hsirt.
Without her I’d have rwinkly clothes
(And I’d be nonexistent).
Thank you, Mom, for all you’re love
And keeping me consistent!
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There once was a man born in Samos
Whose math teacher told him to vamoose.
He said “Bitch, I’m Pythagoras!”
Then proceeded to stagger us
With the theorem to measure a hypotenuse.
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Far away, in the Land of Grent,
There was a forbidden shrine
Where the chosen champions meant
To make their mark and dine
Among the Gods, and so they spent
Their days praying to the divine.
My cat, however, just up and went
And peed in the holy wine.
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Some like it hot.
Some like it cold.
Some start their poem with the same cliche two days in a row
Because hey, I’m tired and old.
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The Daily Travesty 