Some days you are happy
And some days not so much,
Like when you’re buying groceries
Like bread and fruit and such,
And you put a bag down
And unbeknownst to you
A pineapple falls out upon
A chair not in your view.
Later, when you’re tired
From putting food away
You sigh and stretch and yawn
And then you murmur, “What a day.”
Some days you are miserable;
Some days you sing and dance.
Today I did both, for I sat without thinking
And also without wearing pants.
Filed under Poems
There are only two types of men
That I have ever met:
The type who name their genitals
And the type who aren’t born yet.
Filed under Poems
I found an amazing solution
To everything that’s ever been bad,
A panacea that renders meaningless
Every problem that I’ve ever had.
This solution is what we call “apathy,”
And it means that you don’t give a shit.
It’s an amazing, awesome, and wonderful thing
Even though I haven’t mastered it.
Filed under Poems
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”
Is just a longer way to say
“Be like a bee.” Butterflies suck.
Also, bees die when they sting, so ok…
Filed under Poems
I am a homeless student
Who’s unemployed so, knock on wood,
I won’t have any homework
So I guess my life is good.
Filed under Poems
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
Let the sky be blue!
If we want something colorful
Then fireworks will do!
And while we are at home, watching
The rainbows go away
We can watch football again
Without it being gay.
I can’t wait until the day
When rainbows dissipate
And I am blamed for being white
Instead of being straight.
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
As June turns to July…
But leave behind lesbian porn
And George Takei’s “Oh My.”
Filed under Poems
Sometimes you fee like a pop tart,
But sometimes you’re generic toaster strudel.
Sometimes you’re the star of the kennel,
But sometimes you’re a Belgian poodle.
Sometimes you’re the Kleenex
Instead of Kirkland Signature facial tissue.
But on days you feel you’re generic
Know that it’s not a critical issue.
Filed under Poems
I wished upon a star
That I was back on Earth.
Then I was incinerated by the immense heat of the cosmic ball of burning gas
And now wait for rebirth.
Filed under Poems
There once was an eloquent person
Whose mental state started to worsen.
The person was me
As you damn well can see
And that’s why I’m just f***ing cursin’.
Filed under Poems
There was a piece of paper
Atop a tower tall
Who sought to end its lonely life
Through one climactic fall
But when he took that fateful leap
He found out he could fly
And soared for miles in ecstasy
Instead of trying to die.
And when the paper fluttered
To the Earth, it climbed again
And leapt and soared, rinse and repeat,
Or so said CNN.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 