Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
Tag Archives: Silly
Realistic Aspirations
There are a lot of things
That you will never be:
You’ll never be an airplane
Or a cup of Earl Grey tea.
You’ll never be a unicorn
Or a tube of chili paste
Or a fan of Hip-Hop music
Who has impeccable taste.
You’ll never be a lantern
Or a humble guy from Yale,
But thanks to human effort
You may just become a whale.
When Gen Z Starts Procreating
If I ever have a baby
With the person I call “Honey,”
I will name it “In the Headlights”
‘Cause when we sing “Happy Birthday” it’ll be funny.
Filed under Poems
Why They REALLY Monitor School Lunches
There once was a senator from Naboo
Who, of the Sith Order, knew.
One day he used the dark side,
Shot some lightning and died…
I guess he had a peanut allergy too!
Filed under Poems
He Didn’t See That Coming Either
I met a guy
Who was afraid of the ocean,
The salt and the seaweed
And unending motion.
I said “You can fix it!
“Come swimming with me!”
Then I murdered and canned him
‘Cause he was Chicken of the Sea.
Filed under Poems
But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…
I think the greatest opportunity
Anyone ever missed
Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”
Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!
Filed under Poems
H*ck Yeah!
If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
As The Animals Become More Dangerous…
If wishes were horses
The poor would ride.
If wishes were tigers
The poor would hide.
If wishes were wives
The poor would go fishing.
If wishes were were lawyers
I wish we’d quit wishing.
Filed under Poems
We Should Have Said “Stay…”
In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild
Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.
Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”
And he started to breed them for me and for you.
The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,
A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.
They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”
And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.
But soon came some others, and not for the better:
They came with free handbags and even a sweater.
These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”
And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”
Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones
Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,
And when we accept such weak canines as pets
We’ll know just how low our society gets.
Filed under Poems
On English Slang and Figures of Speech
If you’re opposed to kinky sex
Then you are very rude
Because you want everybody else
To get regularly screwed.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 