A long time ago
When iPods were new
There was a cool button
And what it would do
Is shuffle your music
So your tunes would play
In a randomized order
And people said “Hey
“This feature is awesome
“But it doesn’t quite do
“What the ‘shuffle’ descriptor
“Implies you want to.”
Now twenty years later
A CEO said
“Nah, it’s still good enough”
And then went off to bed.
Filed under Poems
Women buy all kinds of scented candles
With scents like Carmel Apple and Sandalwood.
These candles smell like what the label tells you
And that kind of clarity is good.
The reason men don’t buy more scented candles
Is because the candles don’t have scents for a guy
Like “Cool Sports Rush”, “Hang Ten”, or “Anaconda”
Which are the smells we men have proved we’ll buy.
Filed under Poems
The big bad wolf went down to the coop
Where the farmer said “There’s 38 genders.”
The wolf ain’t ate no chickens so far
But he ate the chicken tenders.
Filed under Poems
In the high school for automobiles
No one likes the electric cars.
They don’t get invited to parties
And they aren’t the athletic stars.
Not even the nerds like the ‘lectrics
Because all the gas cars have colluded
To ensure what we’ve known all our lives:
That batteries aren’t included.
Filed under Poems
Of all the times to be alive
Today is number one.
We’ve cured most bad diseases
And optimized our fun.
Our problems are the first-world type,
But what still seems kind of weird
Is that I was born when it’s fashionable
To be a bald guy with a beard.
Filed under Poems
It’s Friday night
And the bar is hoppin’.
Folks are tired
From Christmas shoppin’.
All around
Drinks off are toppin’
And fists do fly
And guys be droppin’
But I don’t know
What pills they’re poppin’
‘Cause my bed said “Hi”
And into it I drop in.
Filed under Poems
Wrapping paper tube
In my mind a light saber
Wife is not impressed
Filed under Poems
What if we had a recognizable person
Talk over some muzak
About a mega corporation
About which they’re unenthusiastic
And we’ll have an inoffensive joke
Where a dad does something silly?
That’ll make people desire
To pay us willy-nilly!
Filed under Poems
So I was complaining (as most people do)
About things that I cannot halt
Like children addicted to iPads and also
Society as a gestalt
So I turned on a game at 10 in the morning
That finished at 10 in the night
And proceeded to burn my complaining permit
And accept that the world is all right.
Filed under Poems
There was an insurance exec
Who got shot in the street. What the heck?
But instead of mass fear
Folks just let out a cheer,
Now relieved of one pain in the neck.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 