I think I know why plants don’t speak
And the reason is this:
They cannot pronounce the word
“Photosynthesis.”
My other hypothesis
For why speech is elusive
Is that plants are politically moderate
(But evidence is inconclusive).
Tag Archives: Truth
What He Does Have Are A Very Particular Set Of Skills… Skills He Has Acquired Over A Very Long Career…
He’s an average Joe
Except for really rotten luck
And in a single setting
For the whole film he’ll be stuck
While he tries to save his family
From a grand conspiracy
‘Cause that’s what folks’ll pay to see
Liam Neeson do!
He seems to only star in films
Whose titles start with “the,”
Except of course for Schindler’s List
And Taken 1, 2, 3.
He’s a frequent award nominee
For both his movies and TV
Which shows that people love to see
What Liam Neeson do!
His six-foot-four-inch figure
Makes all women want to burst.
He’s never died (‘xcept in the Star Wars
That used to be the worst).
So if you go to see a show
Then you should already know
The feats he’ll do (and in slow-mo)
To show off more his manly glow
And yet somehow we still all go…
To see what Liam Neeson do!
Filed under Poems
I Respect These Hypothetical Natives
Somewhere where the roaring wind
Can give the snow a gentle lift
A solitary wolf begins
To sing the music of Taylor Swift.
And the natives nearby lie awake
Roused by the song from their nap
And pray the wind will roar even louder
To drown out the wolf ’cause who needs that crap?
Filed under Poems
Not Racist, Just Comfy
I find it funny that those who fought
For an inclusive ideology
Now think that those with “normal” thoughts
Owe outsiders apologies,
That those who culturally kill their kind
Are morally superior
To those who really do not mind
If you’re black, a chick, or queerier,
That while we wear our pale skin
And external genitalia
If we don’t call these things a sin
Then somehow you think we failed ya.
But I’m content and keen to keep
My straight white male role.
My life I live, my crops I reap
In a neighborhood safe to stroll.
So if you wave your protest signs
They’ll not change how I see.
You will not find me cryin’
Because I know it’s fine to be me.
So please don’t give me an earful.
I’m happy being cheerful.
Filed under Poems
Revenge
When you advocate
That slaves may chain tyrants,
That those who’re offended
May harm those who speak freely,
That hatred is evil
Unless evil you hate
Then forgive my cocked eyebrow
And my skeptical “really?”
Filed under Poems
That’s All He Had Time For
Today we bury the body of Joe
Who lived to 108.
He read the terms and conditions
And thus he is “the late.”
Filed under Poems
Well, It’s Skinny, White, And Smells Good (If That’s Your Type)
I think a dentist’s love
For dental floss is overstated.
I mean, sure, it cleans your teeth
But would you really want to date it?
—————————————————–
Unsatisfied with today’s love poem?
So was my last girlfriend.
Unlike her, you can inspire me to create something valuable and non-toxic by checking out my Patreon
Also Marvin, if you ever become a woman again, call me!
Filed under Poems
I’ve Looked At Actual Books And Faces In The Meantime
Two weeks ago I left behind
A big part of my life…
And I don’t speak of small stuff
Like a job, a church, a wife…
I left behind the means by which
Most others at me look,
By which I mean the platform
That we know as the Facebook.
And since I stepped away from it
I noticed there’s a sky,
I haven’t heard “impeach Trump”
Nor been annoyed by those who try,
I haven’t argued even once
Or leered at female friends
And my days are nine hours longer
And I don’t care whom that offends.
My IQ’s jumped twelve points so far.
I may have lost some weight.
I talked a bit with strangers
At the bus’s boarding gate.
I went outside three times this week
And didn’t feel lame
And though some folks may still hate me
I don’t comment on their blame.
So overall un-pluggedness
(Or less-pluggedness if we’re honest)
Has made me ever happier,
Less pale, and a bit more modest.
Now instead of saying
“Here’s how my life should be”
To friends I haven’t seen in years
Now I can just be me!
Filed under Poems
Except For Your Desire To Like And Follow This Blog… That’s A Healthy And Natural Desire
Release your expectations,
Let your preconceptions go,
And feel the endless universe
Again begin to flow
And the morons who surround you
And the stupid crap they say
Will be caught in freedom’s current
And finally wash away.
So give up on the must haves,
The shoulds, the oughts, the wants,
Ignore the could-be-betters
And the little human taunts.
Give up on perfection,
On how “great” looks in your mind
And you’ll find new satisfaction
On the blank slate left behind.
Filed under Poems
