I love you more than anything,
And if you were to change
Into an evil living-plastic moth
Or something equally strange,
Something ugly, something violent,
Something truly vile to touch
Then I want you to know
That I might not love you quite as much.
Tag Archives: Truth
On This Cats And I Agree
Humans are stupid,
But that’s not a poem.
This line is filler.
Humans are so dumb.
Filed under Poems
Honestly, Get your Suffixes Straight!
If feminism means “go women”
And humanism means “people are good”
Then racism means “yay fast people,”
Or at least it should.
Filed under Poems
College Life (AKA the Sin Inn)
When you give a kid a scholarship
To live away from home
Where kids are doing naughty stuff
The “scholar” says “when in Rome!”
And thus begins the dorm life,
Debauchery, and boozing,
Where pipes are not for water
And beds are not for snoozing,
Where you can study english,
Philosophy, or anthropology
But still spend evenings studying
The opposite sex’s biology.
Mom and Daddy pay for this,
So you can unguiltily be bad
And get a job at Wendy’s
While not getting shot by Wendy’s Dad.
All this pleasure comes to you
For only a few hundred K of loans,
So send your applications now!
(That or just play on your phones).
Filed under Poems
Flowery Thoughts
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Yet a more valuable fact
Is less cited as true:
They’re symbols of waste,
The decay of one’s youth,
Yet one must buy flowers
To prove that you’re couth.
For every blue violet
And red rose you eschew
The longer the doghouse
Shall be fate for you.
So for my fellow rebels
Who see trees but not forests…
When we kill all the lawyers
Let’s also kill florists.
Filed under Poems
Somehow Rising Oceans Didn’t Show Up Either… Huh
29.34 percent of deaths
Were caused by heart disease.
23.04 were infections and
Parasitic causes (like fleas).
Cancer’s 12.49, stroke’s 9.66.
The next 20or so’s respiratory.
Then we get into small CoD’s
And a more interesting story:
War caused just .3 percent
Of death in recent times,
About the same as syphilis
And less than a third that of violent crimes.
More people died of tetanus
Than a decade of endless war.
You’ll more likely die of suicide
Than fighting on a distant shore.
And too low to show up,
Beneath .06 percent
I’m wondering where all the deaths
From firearm ownership went.
Filed under Poems
Vegans, You’re *Almost* Right
Pigs are perfect!
That’s what I think.
They’re smart and they’re fat
And they’re pretty in pink.
They’re as faithful as dogs.
They’re unable to hate.
There’s no animal better
To have on my plate.
Filed under Poems
Unintended Consequences
‘Twas two days before Christmas
And filling the sky
Were Amazon.com drones
Sent by those who clicked “buy.”
The children looked up
And they felt the lie slipping.
Parents said “Santa outsourced
“To get next day shipping.”
The children relaxed,
Curiosity sated
And went to their rooms
And for Christmas eve waited.
Meanwhile in Alaska
Somewhere near North Pole
Rudolph stood in line
To get on the state’s dole,
To collect unemployment
For now he could see
That his job, thanks to robots,
Had gone down in history.
Filed under Poems
We Won’t Even Go Into The “Mom’s A Virgin” Thing
One of the beloved songs
Is titled “Silent Night,”
Of story of a night where all
Is calm and all is bright.
With the writer of the song
I want to have a chat.
A silent night where all is bright?
What kind of night is that?
Filed under Poems
