Could somebody help me, perchance?
I’m vacationing somewhere in France
And my most gracious host
Asked to make them a toast
But objected when the eggs and cream got on their pants…
Tag Archives: Weird
Why I Will Encourage My Future Children To Be Suicide Prevention Counselors And/Or Trampoline Truck Drivers
I hear the smooth jazz
And hit the button for roof,
My heart beating its last,
My face held aloof.
The smog smiles wryly
As the doors slide aside.
I stand still for a moment,
The last time I’ll ever bide.
The horns ring below
From the unthinking mob,
Too tired to be angry,
Too doleful to sob.
The pigeons sing glumly.
I think of my sins.
Below the light turns red.
And my plummet begins.
My mind is cold silver
Filled with screams from below
Yet the light’s green again
And the cars start to go.
And then my fall ends
Not with New York concrete
But a trampoline truck
Driving by on the street.
I find myself soaring
Up and up, past the sky
Even frat boys would say
“He’s really high.”
I fly off the planet,
Gently drop to the moon
Where I land next to Elvis
Atop a dusty gray dune.
Somehow I’m still breathing.
Somehow I’m not dead.
Somehow all this happened
Just like my therapist said!
Filed under Poems
Hard Hypotheticals
If I could clone myself
And make an evil twin
I probably wouldn’t.
But somewhere out there
The guy whose evil twin
Would’ve killed Hitler
Is regretting his choice
Not to make an evil clone.
Now I’m doubting my decision…
Filed under Poems
The Personified Double-Negative
Tyrants will be tyrants.
Braggarts will be braggarts.
These statements are self-evident
And fear no refutation.
Logicians will be logical.
Artists will be artistic.
So do or do not contrarians
Deserve their reputation?
Filed under Poems
If The Shoe Fits…
I lived a life of luxury.
I thought I had it all
Until I met my true love
At the climactic royal ball.
Her dress had such a shimmer,
Like her slippers made of glass.
Her smile moved a mountain
And OMG dat ass!
We danced ’til past eleven
Before she fled into the night
Leaving my heart in tatters
And a slipper in her flight.
I picked up the glassy remnant
Of the girl who once was mine
And tried it on. Who would’ve guessed
We both wore a lady’s size 9?
Filed under Poems
My Coming Out As Trans-Elderly
Thirty-seven dollars in nickels
Rolled into neat little stacks:
I’ll use them to buy some dill pickles
To eat for my mid-morning snacks.
I’ve got a compulsion to do this,
Though no logic yet as to why.
Perhaps I just want the grocers
To think of me as “that guy.”
Filed under Poems
Play To Your Outs
If I played a chess game
With some super-intelligent flies
I think I’d probably win
On account of superior size.
Filed under Poems
The Disability We All Must Endure
Some folks called me deaf.
Some folks called me blind.
Some said I was a freak.
Some said I’d lost my mind.
Some said I sort of squealed
When a bird flew at my eye
Which, on account of my blindness and deafness
I can neither confirm nor deny.
Some folks called me Shithead.
Some folks called me Walt.
Both of those are my middle names
Which is my parents’ fault.
Some folks called me other things
Which may have made me sad
But I don’t know the specifics
‘Cause their brail handwriting’s so bad.
Some folks say I’m stubborn.
Some folks say I’m cheerful.
Some folks express gratitude
That I never give them an ear full.
Some say I can’t appreciate
The world like others do,
But at least I know the smell of AXE
So, in that sense, I’m just like you.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 