A silver goose on a crystal lake
Locks eyes with me at dawn
And ‘neath the sunrise orange it spake
And pooped upon my lawn.
Silver goose, an anarchist
Would soon my rifle eat…
Though I aimed wide, I will not miss
When next our twain shall meet.
Category Archives: Poems
Autobiographical, And An Apology In Advance If I Miss Tomorrow’s Poem
Once again this poem went
To the wilds, and pitched him a tent.
The wifi was iffy
But present, so spiffy!
On that wifi this poem is sent.
Filed under Poems
Sonnet For A Washcloth
Textured washcloth in a pastel color,
I love how my skin you exfoliate.
You make my oily skin look so duller;
For your great glory, I extoll ye, mate!
When I am lonely and in a great need
Of very crude and masculine release
I need no manual to for to read
To help you bring me to a restful peace.
You cost so little, less than fifty cents
And you loyally last my whole life long;
Textured pastel washcloth, I ask you whence
Did you become so grand, forever strong?
You are more than just a cheap toiletry;
You, my washcloth, are the best part of me!
Filed under Poems
Peasant Questions and Engineering Mysteries
Somebody asked “Why don’t they make
“The whole plane out of the stuff
“That they use to make the black box
“That’s all indestructibly tough?”
I told him, “it’s the same reason why
“They don’t make medieval knight’s armor
“With the stuff they use to make chainmail bikinis.”
He’s confused, but hey! He’s just a farmer.
Filed under Poems
Your Math Teacher Warned You…
There once was a magical hero
Who divided the whole world by zero.
Trof huaknr jshfl ej
Helfpbe nfhoshe nej
Htppbej jfhw jfjr yeega beero.
Filed under Poems
Someone You Know Is Pedantically Screaming “It’s A Crustacean, Not A Fish!”
I think on behalf of those born between
Late June and late July
We need to recognize their pain
And ask the question why
Their star sign is a great disease
(And a pretty boring fish).
I think the other stat signs
Should be diseases too. I wish
That some day in the future
Someone will die of Libra
And we’ll recognize that Cancer
Is a constellation of a zebra.
Filed under Poems
The Game Changed Me…
I played a game of Monopoly
And the reactions spanned quite a panoply.
I bankrupted my friends
‘Cause means justify ends…
Now I’ve a monocle and I act foppily.
Filed under Poems
Hot In More Ways Than One?
I asked how hot the weather was
On a scale of one to ten,
But apparently that’s boring
So I rephrased and asked again:
“On a scale that starts at Poop
“And goes until my Sadie Sink
“How hot is it?” They said “Satan’s balls”
And now I don’t know what to think…
Filed under Poems
An Alternative To The Lemonade Stand
When you experience the Summer
And it’s so hot that you say “Bummer”
I have a solution to your caper:
A fan made from some folded paper!
You can make your own cool Heaven
From a folded eight-and-a-half by eleven
That you swing repeatedly at your face
And hope you cause air to displace.
This air will make your sweat go poof
And you go from hot to cool, aloof.
Buy one now! They’re really nifty!
Or buy two for just $18.50!
Filed under Poems
An Important Choice
If I were a chess piece
I think I be a rook
Because I sit in corners
If just to read a book,
I like to walk in long straight lines
And don’t think it’s a hassle
When somebody mistakenly
Refers to me as “Castle.”
I’m not pious for bishopping,
Too smart to be a pawny thing,
I lack the boobs to be a queen
Or the balls to be a king…
So it’s either rook, or else a knight
Who’s called a horse sometimes…
Actually, I’m not hung like a rook…
I’m changing my choice. This line rhymes.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 