Some days your mind is foggy
And your heart is cold as ice
But you know soon you’ll have a poop
And that will feel nice!
Category Archives: Poems
In Other News, The Pipe Organ Will Be Renamed “The Vapiano”
Today at the store
I saw advertised
“Raspberry oranges”
Which I soon surmised
Were simply blood oranges
Rebranded so they
Would not offend those
Whose balls went away.
Now as days get longer
And evenings get hotter
I give thanks that raspberries
Are thicker than water.
If I buy some candy
With a blue-raspberry taste
I’ll know royal blood
Has great suffering faced.
I’ll go to church
For the raspberry of Christ.
Instead of blood running cold
I’ll make raspberry ice!
Yes, the pussification
Of America is sweet
‘Til the raspberry of Patriots
Signals final defeat!
Filed under Poems
Happy 18th Birthday?
Today I worked an eight-hour day
And did not feel blue
Until I finally realized
I must tomorrow too…
Filed under Poems
Hope Exists In Odd Places
The fact that football stadiums
Are filled with maskless faces
Who came to watch a bunch of men
Of many faiths and races
Hit each other for a ball
While chanting “Let’s Go Brandon”
Makes me think the world’s too good
To suddenly abandon.
Filed under Poems
Better Than Two Cliche New Years Haiku… But Not By Much
Last year if I forgot to write
A poem (like yesterday)
I would write two poems, both
Which would have nothing to say.
This year my resolution
Is to write one thing that’s good
Instead of writing two bad poems
Just ‘cause I said I would.
So if you are that one person
Who reads my daily crap
And realized I missed a day
I hope you’ll stop and clap
Because I’ve reframed laziness
In terms of personal growth
And if that isn’t something good
Then what it is I do not know’th.
Filed under Poems
This Is Why God Chose Me To Have A Poet’s Salary
If I had a billion dollars
I’d buy a sports franchise
And make a special policy
To only hire guys
With super inappropriate surnames
Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,
And listen to the commentators
Say their names for hours…
Filed under Poems
Dreams and Reality
One day I’ll wake in the morning
And look to the sky in the East
And see the sunrise with my well rested eyes
Before cooking a bacony feast.
One day I’ll go for a run
For a mile, or maybe for ten
Then go on a date with my lovely soulmate
And laugh ‘til the sun sets again.
One day my dreams may be real
But I pray it does not come to that
‘Cause today I slept in and wore naught but my skin
And drank egg nog and snuggled a cat.
Filed under Poems
Yeah, The Secret Paedophile Lizards Have Gone Too Far Now…
I needed some lubrication
(Not for that, you dirty cad!)
So I went to the supermarket
To see what types they had.
They had oil made from olives,
Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,
And ingredients I can’t pronounce
Even if I tried for hours.
But then I saw a product
That set my blood a boil:
Somebody was selling there
A jar of baby oil!
Filed under Poems
All True, But It Should Have Ended Eight Lines Sooner
If you put yogurt into a tube
It changes its name to Gogurt.
If you put yogurt into a friendship
It changes its name to brogurt.
If you plant yogurt deep in the forest
Someday it just might growgurt.
If you give it high heels and make it dance
You could say its a showgurt.
Three Poems On The Mysteries Of Love
If I had a pickle
For every time you smile
I’d be decorating sandwiches
For a sufficient while.
—————————————————————
As the birds sing in the morning
And the bugs crawl in the night
So too doth my heart yearneth
When you say “Meh, you’re alright…”
—————————————————————
I picked the petals from the flower:
“She loves me, she loves me not…”
But I misread the directions
Turns out it was flour I bought.
As I sift through every grain
I frown and then I smile.
I’m getting a great workout
But the results will take a while.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 