I some some little known facts
About some popular things,
Like how in the very first draft
Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”
Mount Doom was not a volcano
But instead a magnificent gorge
In which Sauron demanded
His orcs run a magical forge.
Luckily, one clever editor
Got to give his final say:
“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘
“Could be said in a most awkward way.”
Filed under Poems
I’m sitting here in the airport
Listening to celebrities giving PSA’s
And I’m wondering which is more painful:
Selling out that much
Or that my taxes paid for them.
Filed under Poems
Today a man who made himself
And all his staff exempt
From being vaccinated
Most audaciously has dreamt
That those who didn’t get a shot
That doesn’t stop the spread
Are somehow the ones responsible
That twelve more folks are dead.
Filed under Poems
There once was a man named Beyoncé
Who wanted to have a fiancee
But the girls were all like
“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”
Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.
Filed under Poems
Last year we learned about a cold
That you can’t tell if you’ve got
So the only logical thing to do
Is mandate a mystery shot
That does not stop the spreading
Or the catching of diseases
Because, after all, our liberty
Is whatever our overlord pleases.
Just because it caused a clot
That killed my uncle Stu
Doesn’t mean it isn’t something
Everyone must do!
So why not be a good little sheep
And get your Covid shot?
And if you do in the next 12 hours
We’ll give you some free pot!
Filed under Poems
Today is Friday night.
I’m with my darling wife.
We’re gonna have some crazy sex
‘Cause I am done with life.
Filed under Poems
In the future, little kids
Will visit their Grandma’s houses
And bring along 3D-printed candy
And all four of their spouses
And in between rounds of “Doom 35”
Grandma will tell the tale
Of how when she was a little boy
It was hip to say “epic fail.”
Filed under Poems
Just about everyone has asked “What’s the meaning of life.”
Just about everyone has learned the answer.
What got lost was that they weren’t asking the right question
And the right question is:
“Have I ever been unhappy?”
If you say “no,” then you apparently know the meaning of life already
But just about everyone says “Yes, I’ve been unhappy.”
And the right question continues:
“Have I ever been happy?”
And if you say “no” then you need to keep reading
But just about everyone says “Yes, I’ve been happy.”
And the right question continues:
“So what happened that made you change
“From being unhappy to being happy?”
There are many answers to this question
And just about all the answers are correct:
When you were born and became distinct from mother, you were unhappy
And when mother held you you were happy
And so the meaning of life is to be held and loved.
When you were scared and confused and lost, you were unhappy
And when you got comfort, knowledge, direction you were happy
And these too are the meaning of life.
When you were sad, you laughed.
When you were alone, you fell in love.
When you were hungry you ate.
When you were tired you slept.
When you couldn’t go on, you kept going.
Every single time you’ve been unhappy you did something joyful.
Every time you were hopeless you hoped one more time
And when you couldn’t, the universe gave you hope from outside yourself.
The meaning of life is about becoming happy
And if you’re happy you can’t become happy.
Life is the opposite of unhappiness
And so happiness is life.
If you are unhappy, you are alive,
If you are happy, you are living,
And when you make your final choice in this life, choose to be happy again
Because just about everyone can.
Filed under Poems
There’s a little yellow house
With tulips in the yard,
Home to a pair of dreamers
And an angel on the way.
One of them’s a teacher.
Her husband is a bard
Who sits at a computer
Making problems go away.
The echo from a timeless love
A love that first began
When she asked him to talk about
His “perfect five-year plan.”
There’s a little library
Inside that yellow house,
A studio where students come
To learn the clarinet,
A kitchen big enough to please
The more attractive spouse,
And two young hearts forevermore
As full as they can get.
They’re thinking of the day he said
“I want to be your man,”
The first of many steps within
His perfect five-year plan.
You’ll never hear a hateful word
Be spoken bu them there.
They never let an apple sit
On any empty chair.
They smile at every photograph
Hung on the family wall,
But they won’t say what happens when
The captain comes to call.
And when the five year plan was done
And the house was home to four
He’d renew the five-year plan
Another lifetime more.
But there’s a little yellow house,
For-sale sign on the lawn.
It never was the home for them
The bard had counted on.
Turns out a five-year plan for two
Won’t work with only one
No matter how much someone cries
When they know that it’s done.
The perfect lifelong five-year plan
In three months was complete,
But when you love someone that much
You can’t call it defeat.
The sun still shines, the waves still crash,
There’s still a dusk and dawn.
The leaves are green, the rain is wet,
His eyes are nearly clear.
Just like the clouds that once were grey,
His heart is moving on
From yellow houses, unborn kids,
The teacher, and his fear.
The one thing he won’t leave behind
And knows he never can
Are memories that came to life
Thanks to a five-year plan.
Filed under Poems
There are ten-quintillion insects
In the world, we estimate
Who deal daily with the fact
They’re objects of our hate.
They’ve never read a poem
And they’ve never seen a play
And we just go and murder them
As they go about their day.
Lots of people say things:
“Love your neighbor,” “Peace not war,”
But they don’t even bat an eye
When vacuuming their floor.
I think when we begin to care
For the welfare of bugs
Humanity will finally see
The real value of hugs.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 