“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”
They said and pulled me to the car.
But they didn’t use a cutesy voice
So I killed them (I had no choice).
Category Archives: Poems
So Ended The Artistic Career Of Coal-Eyed Jack
Once a man who had no legs
And really skinny arms
Made a statue of himself.
He didn’t see the harm,
And so he rolled three balls of snow
And stacked them one by one
Until a rabbit ate his nose
And spoiled all the fun.
Filed under Poems
Reflection
He looked in the mirror
And instead of his face
He saw someone worthy
Of goodness and grace;
A man who was useful,
Who’d given enough,
With bountiful beauty
Though his edges were rough;
A man that he knew
Deserved the fine feeling
That he could rise higher
Uncrushed by the ceiling;
A man who saw Heaven
In shelves left undusted,
Who hadn’t yet learned
It’s alright to be rusted;
A man who’d been beaten
Yet rose straight and tall
On the day he believed
It was his face after all.
Filed under Poems
Florida Man Saves Music
A duck walked up to a lemonade stand
And asked “Do you have any grapes?”
The lemonade seller shot dead the duck feller
Which proves not all heroes wear capes.
The Most Romantic Poem Ever That No Woman Will Understand
When my team is 8 and 6
And my fantasy QB gets sick
You’re the RB1 I start
And throw to when the ground is slick.
You’re the treadmill at the gym
In front of the TV
Where I can watch the Yankees lose
With nobody in front of me.
You’re someone I never thought
Was real, but here you are!
Like a white guy who hates frisbee sports
And never tried to learn guitar.
When I hold your hand I feel
Like I am good at math,
And if you asked me nicely
I might even take a bath.
I think you’re pretty naked
Or in a muumuu, though
I doubt there is a clothing item
That could dull your glow.
I would window shop with you
On our anniversary,
And when you sleep, on the toilet’s edge
I aim so you don’t hear me pee.
You smell like guacamole
And when you hold me tight
I forget to pull my belly in
And I know the world’s alright.
Filed under Poems
One Animal That Won’t Let You Down
See you later alligator.
In a while crocodile.
Time to vamoose you silly goose.
Sayonara capybara.
All these partings for a beast
Didn’t matter in the least
To the all-knowing, ever-present
“Never gonna give you up” pheasant.
Filed under Poems
The REAL Home Office
If, instead of cubicles,
We gave all employees
Their own private bathroom
And a set of private keys
So they could sit on porc’lain throne
And work at the same time
Productivity would go up
By a factor of eight or nine.
Filed under Poems
I Hope This Limerick Ages Horribly
There once was a bat from Wuhan
Who bad people did some work on.
It got fed up one day
And just flew away
And just like that two years are gone!
Filed under Poems
Domesticity 2.0
I built two homes in my mind
On a foundation of good intent.
One was perfect, charming, yellow,
But alas away it went.
The second house is red and black
And full of song and sharing,
And though it also may away
It’s worthy of my daring.
This darker home reminds me
Of the prayers I spoke when young,
Of Autumn wind and springtime rain
And hymns borne from my tongue,
A home of possibilities
Where nothing goes unsaid.
God willing, we’ll build it together;
Until then, it’s in my head.
Filed under Poems
Arrive At Five Bro
When you drive to pick her up
And leave at 4:15
She says she’ll be ready in 10 minutes
But we the wise have seen
That when a woman tells you
When she’ll be ready is the same
As the way the measure how long’s left
At the end of a football game.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 