Some people say I’m not funny.
Some people say I’m just dumb,
But for years a grammatically-incorrect cat who wanted a cheeseburger was the funniest thing on Earth
So I figure my time will come.
Category Archives: Poems
Change Who’s Steering, Or Just Bail Out?
Sometimes it seems
Like society is a sled
Screaming down a snowy hill
To the place from which we fled,
And everyone who rides the sled
Are begging it to slow,
Save those who see the ski jump
And exclaim, “How high we’ll go!”
Filed under Poems
Instead Of Going Back In Time To Kill Hitler, Consider This Guy
“What if, instead of selling stuff
To people who will buy it
We interrupt TV and stuff
To talk about a diet,
A tv show, a sugar drink,
A car, or car insurance?
That should make folks love us,
Or at least that’s my inference!”
Filed under Poems
What A Catch!
She doesn’t play mind games.
She doesn’t hate pets.
These days that’s quite close to as good as it gets.
She isn’t ugly.
She isn’t mean.
She’s the not-baddest person that I’ve ever seen.
She has other friends.
She gets off the couch.
Her spirit animal is not Oscar the Grouch.
She’s not into drama.
She’s not a KGB spy.
My only concern is that “she” is a guy.
Filed under Poems
And From There The Epic Fantasy Genre Was Born
Their once was a dude from the Shire
That an old wizard wanted to hire.
He found this cool ring
That messed up everything.
Three books later it died in a fire.
Filed under Poems
What Do Hipsters And The Government Have In Common?
I found out a shortcut
Whose power I tap
To see if a thing
Is worthwhile or crap:
I ask normal people
“Do you prefer A or B?”
Then they say “Both are good”
And I settle on C.
Filed under Poems
Never Doubt Your Business Ideas Again
Somebody once thought
We should take the white things chickens poop
And break them in a pan
Over a fire
Until they’re still damp
But also really warm
Then cover them in fermented milk
And dehydrated seawater
And fill them with vegetables no one likes
And sell them to husbands for $18
To appease their sexually frustrated wives
And call it brunch.
Filed under Poems
Proof That Cutting Your Dick Off Is Heroic
When a guy decides he’d rather be female
And undergoes surgery, then
I think they become the most powerful mutants
Because, after all, they’re ex-men.
Filed under Poems
What A Bunch Of Suckers…
Once upon a time there was sugar
Until some guy made a ball
That was entirely made out of sugar
But harder to swallow it all
And people decided to buy it,
This sugary sphere that was built,
For to swallow ten times as much spit in a day
But without all that damnable guilt.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 