While I was making sweet, sweet love
To my canoe, I thought:
“Just because your love’s forbidden
“Doesn’t mean it’s hot.”
Category Archives: Poems
That Was My First Mistake
When a child is chosen
To come down from Heaven
They’re given a choice
From between one and seven
On how hard a challenge
They want life to be.
Here’s a few quick examples
For you now, from me:
One is a plant
In a jungle somewhere
Far away from the humans
With lots of clean air.
A two is a puppy
In a rich white guy’s home
With unlimited treats
And a whole yard to roam.
A three’s like a two
Until that fateful day
When you start as a “he”
And the vet makes you “they.”
A four is a human
Who lives all their days
With a big happy family
And an annual raise.
At five you have troubles
Like sickness or fear
And just 500 likes
On that pic of your rear.
At six life can seem
Like an old country song,
But you can take comfort
That it won’t last too long.
And seven’s just you
In a hospital bed
With a Taylor Swift song
Ever stuck in your head.
I hope that this helps you
Decide your next fate.
I know that, before life,
A lot’s on your plate.
No matter your choice though
You’ll probably be fine
Unless you’re a poet
Who asked, “Hmm… what’s nine?”
Filed under Poems
When You At Least Remember the Important Part of the Limerick
There once was bobabezine
That slodda dee focus or line?
And burger da beep
Chodda wodda ga meep?
Soda wamegla SWEET CAROLINE!
Filed under Poems
Diet Supplements
Are you tired of working out?
Wish you could lose some weight?
Then you stumbling on this post
Is nothing short of fate!
See, I’m a famous CEO
Who grew up on the street
And I’ve been on some talk shows
And my life is really neat.
I’ve collaborated
With a bunch of science nerds
To make a diet supplement
That will leave you without words:
Our many happy clients
Universally lost weight,
And we’re officially endorsed
By nearly every socialist state.
What is this magic product?
You really want to know?
Okay, since you asked nicely…
“Dehydrated H2O.”
Filed under Poems
Dear Conspiracy Theorists…
Some people believe
That our world will be conquered
By satanic lizards from Mars.
To those folks I say,
“Don’t be scared… it’s okay.
“Their rulers are better than ours!”
Filed under Poems
Random Thought of the Day
Roses are red,
My car’s a two-seater.
Everything’s a piñata
If you’re not a picky eater.
Filed under Poems
Superhero Anthem?
A figure flies along the streets
Of a city, black and grey,
Equipped with special armaments
With which to hunt her prey.
Her foes are public enemies
Called apathy and fear.
She strikes them down with not a frown
But a flash of wit and cheer.
Her only superpower
Is a total lack of worry
With which she slays uncertainty
In one most epic flurry!
Who is this maid of mystery
And what can she not do?
We cannot know for certain
But I hope she might be you!
Filed under Poems
Video Games
People go to work
Eight hours a day
Clicking buttons mindlessly
To earn their meager pay,
After which they go home
And spend sixty bucks
To click buttons mindlessly
And then say their life sucks…
Filed under Poems
Higher Education is a Cure for Introversion
I once found it tough
To talk about stuff,
But then I went to college.
Now I regale ya
About paraphernalia
‘Cause now I’ve got the knowledge!
Filed under Poems
X-1 Teachers
If two trains depart at identical hours
Traveling towards one another
On parallel tracks, both carrying snacks
For the opposite engineer’s mother
When first they pass one another
At speeds varying by a factor of 5
How long will it take before students
Make their teacher no longer alive?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 