I learned a Christmas magic trick:
First, choose any number
Then subtract the area code
From your local plumber,
Divide the difference by itself
Times the weight of George Costanza
And you have the number of people
Who actually celebrate Kwanzaa.
Category Archives: Poems
She’ll Start Exercising In January
The lady on the internet
Wrote “5551618.”
I thought that was her phone number
But, alas, ’twas just her weight.
Filed under Poems
Christmas In Cascadia
We the people laugh and sing
Though our houses serve as graves
To the offspring of the forests
And the farms of evergreen slaves.
We hang lights on the bodies
Of the trees we cut ourselves
And celebrate the sootiness
Of indentured arctic elves.
Our celebration is offensive
To terrorists a world away
Thus to mention “Merry Christmas”
Means you’re probably anti-gay.
So just say “Happy Holidays,”
And smile and submit
So folks who think this poem is serious
Will not have a fit.
Filed under Poems
Mississippi Family Reunions
She said “My name is Margaret.”
He said “My name is Jake,
“And may I say, dear sister,
“You smell different when you’re awake.”
Filed under Poems
Proof: WordPress Knows If You’re Blind
I noticed just this morning
My blog was visited six times:
Six people clicked to read how I
Come up with stuff that rhymes.
But it was the next statistic
That gave me a miscue:
Though I’d had six visitors
I’d only had one view.
At first I was astonished,
Then delight bloomed from surprise:
Six people came to see my blog
And five had closed their eyes!
I thought I’d gotten softer
The longer I wrote here
But I repulsed 5/6ths of viewers
And that brings me much good cheer.
Filed under Poems
My Point Exactly
While fighting with my neighbor
I shouted “You can’t spell stupid without ‘U.'”
He shouted his retort to me:
“There’s ‘I’ in stupid too!”
Filed under Poems
-O My
Hip-o’s are animals.
Neck-o’s are candy.
Knee-o’s “The One”
And Leg-o’s are dandy.
Elbow-o’s are redundant.
I-o’s admit debt.
That’s all the body-part-o’s
That tonight you’ll get.
Filed under Poems
Remember 2016 When This Was All I Wrote?
It is late and I am tired.
“Deinonychus” is hard to rhyme.
This poem was by my mom inspired
And now, luckily, I’m out of time.
Filed under Poems
We Need A Common Enemy
I think the USA should change
Their national anthem to
Taylor Swift’s rendition of
“Look what you made me do.”
It would soothe racial tensions
And bring the unity we lack
‘Cause everyone would kneel
And beg the feds to change it back.
Filed under Poems
Aphrodite’s Mom-of-the-Year Award
I didn’t put my firearms
In a baby-proof safe. I’m not stupid!
I just wanted to give the world
A much more dangerous cupid.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 