If I could clone myself
And make an evil twin
I probably wouldn’t.
But somewhere out there
The guy whose evil twin
Would’ve killed Hitler
Is regretting his choice
Not to make an evil clone.
Now I’m doubting my decision…
Category Archives: Poems
Rodin’s “The Age Of Bronze” Talks About His Career Change
I am a person made of bronze,
Carved from orangish metal.
My body looks so human
But I’m closer to a kettle.
I’ll never move, I’ll never speak,
I’ll never love or feel.
I’ll never be a human,
But I’m absolutely real.
I’ll never learn of math or art.
I’ll never know a fact.
I’ll have no skills in anything,
So I guess I’ll have to act.
My body’s perfect, ageless, strong
Although I can’t be dumber
And thus I’ve come to Hollywood,
Renamed “The Up-And-Comer.”
Filed under Poems
Political Commentary < Forced Cheese Puns
When all was young
In the beginning
There was a big cheese
And we called it a king.
But the cheese was too big
For the peasants’ humble stomachs.
Though they had many plans
The situation continued to flummox.
So they cut up the king,
(Figuratively, of course)
And imposed their own rule
Through riot-based force.
Instead of a king
Who can do as he pleases
They had a republic
Of many smaller cheeses.
Yes, the peasants were the first
Of the modern free-staters.
They made cheeses smaller
And, thus, the cheese grater.
Filed under Poems
Thanks Evil Empire!
I went to a church
Not confident one bit
About appropriate places
For me to sit.
Then a stormtrooper came
And yelled “pew, pew, pew!”
I am so very grateful
That now I know what to do!
Filed under Poems
Something’s Fishy… And Also Gummy
If you teach men to fish
You’ll feed them forever,
But I find that sometimes
It’s a fruitless endeavor.
I taught fishing in Sweden
But to my dismay
They were still eating candy
The very next day.
Filed under Poems
Apocalypse? Not Now!
Apocalypse’s horsemen
Were riding home one night
When the BMW of depression
Passed them on the right.
“I think we’re now outdated,”
Said Famine to his peers
So they let the horses loose
And went out to get some beers.
The horses ran to far off lands
Where they could eternally play,
And some lucky Harley-Davidson salesman
Got four new customers today.
Filed under Poems
The Personified Double-Negative
Tyrants will be tyrants.
Braggarts will be braggarts.
These statements are self-evident
And fear no refutation.
Logicians will be logical.
Artists will be artistic.
So do or do not contrarians
Deserve their reputation?
Filed under Poems
Onomatopoeia
There are certain words
That are written like they sound
Life “oof” and “pow” and “shimmer.”
They really do abound.
Then there are things that make no sound
Like plants and orange and schisms
Which would make great onomatapoeias.
That’s the case with “colloquialisms.”
Filed under Poems
If The Shoe Fits…
I lived a life of luxury.
I thought I had it all
Until I met my true love
At the climactic royal ball.
Her dress had such a shimmer,
Like her slippers made of glass.
Her smile moved a mountain
And OMG dat ass!
We danced ’til past eleven
Before she fled into the night
Leaving my heart in tatters
And a slipper in her flight.
I picked up the glassy remnant
Of the girl who once was mine
And tried it on. Who would’ve guessed
We both wore a lady’s size 9?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 