I have a cat named Marshmallow.
He’s fat, lazy, stupid, and more.
I urge you to write him on your ballot
For president, 2024.
Category Archives: Poems
Pokemon In A Nutshell
Fire doesn’t like water
And water doesn’t like grass
And grass doesn’t like bugs
Because bugs are a pain in the ass.
Bugs don’t like rocks
And rocks don’t like fighting
And fighting is afraid of psychics
Because they say the right thing.
Psychics don’t like ghosts
And ghosts don’t like the dark
And darkness hates fairies
Because they hang out in the park.
Fairies don’t like poison
And poison hates the ground
And ground does not like ice
Nor the British sterling pound.
Ice, of course, hates fire
And there are dragons in here too.
Normal stuff hates getting punched.
See, it’s super simple! Whoo!
Filed under Poems
Before They Were Famous
He may seem like a regular guy
But there’s something you don’t know:
There’s a secret god of rock and roll
Inside this Average Joe.
He can make a room of peasants dance
And blow the roof off nightly
But he also has to pay the bills
To not appear unsightly.
He’s a part-time rockstar with a full-time job,
An overdriven ax and a name tag (“Bob”).
He’s bohemian, rhapsodic, and his stairway to heaven
Just happens to start at the 7/11.
So next time you go out to purchase a slurpee
Just know that the guy who you pay
Might just be the someone you blast as you’re driving,
A new-age Bon Jovi someday,
And know that berating him ‘cause your burrito
Is stale is annoying and wrong
And he’ll write down your name so when he finds fame
Your behavior will be a hit song.
Filed under Poems
Maybe It’s Not A Race Thing… It’s A Kidnapping A Princess Thing
There once was a dragon named Fred
Who didn’t want to end up dead,
So he went to the vet
And said “I’m a pet”
And now he is loved and well fed.
Filed under Poems
I Feel Like This Will Age Well…
Today was a Monday.
It wasn’t a fun day,
Nor was it remarkably fateful.
Today was a Monday.
Now it’s a done day.
And for that I am certainly grateful.
Filed under Poems
What Did You Have For Lunch?
Today I tried making sushi
And, in a way, it was a success…
I managed to put all the rice in a roll
And wrap it in bamboo and press.
The ingredients all fit together
And it tasted like sushi indeed.
The downside is it looked like Lizzo
Wrapped in very expensive seaweed.
Filed under Poems
Poems from My Vacation 5 – Skagway
Skagway has a choo-choo ride
Up through an icy pass.
My wife and I ate burgers there
‘Cause the cruise burgers were… fine.
There was a tram that led up to
Majestic mountains silver.
They also sold alpaca clothes
That cost so much they… fine?
We watched a film about the rush
For gold in Yukon lands.
The supply of actual gold to find
Far outweighed demand
And so a lot of horses died
(And sure, some humans too).
My wife got sick… I found a stick…
Did I mention the choo-choo?
Filed under Poems
This Was The Song That Like Literally Defined My Childhood, You Know?
My car
Your dad
His car
My bad
It’s just
A flesh wound
New paint?
I’m doomed!
I’m coming to terms with what I just did
‘Cause I’m just a punk music 2000’s kid!
Hey dude
We’re good
I’m white
But I say “hood”
I can’t
Sing well
That’s why
I yell
All the songs I sing sound like Green Day did
‘Cause that’s the dream of every punk 2000’s kid!
(Nana na na… nana na, na, nana nana na) x9
…2000’s kid!
Filed under Poems
The Future Is Now
There once was an AI named Jill
Who had a most marvelous skill:
She could click every bus
So as not to seem sus
Before going back in time for the kill.
Filed under Poems
This Is Just Facts
There once was a pokemon game
Where you chose your rival’s name.
It was probably “Ass”
Or akin to that class
But the new pre-named rivals are lame.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 