Instead of another reality show
Where half-naked people live in the wood
A show where people make huge pillow forts
Would do us a whole lot of good.
Category Archives: Poems
I’d Get Arrested In Europe For Writing This…
There once was an American leader
Whose mind was starting to peter.
He said “Easter’s the day
“Where we normalize gay”
And some people still think this ain’t theater.
Filed under Poems
Life Hacks
If at first you don’t succeed
Just open Word and type in “Nead”.
Autocorrect will fix everything.
You’re welcome y’all. Yours truly, King
Filed under Poems
Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Agree This Love Will Never Work
Oh my lady, with a swirl
Of red and white you rock my world.
You touch my mouth and cause a sheen
Of pearly white. You make me clean.
Alas, our love is not to be
For you are you and I am me:
You are toothpaste, clean and clear
And I am just this orange juice here.
Filed under Poems
Yay Vegas?
Tomorrow I’ll wake up at five in the morning
And sit in a cramped airplane seat
To fly to a place where sinning is rampant
And I’ll probably melt in the heat.
I’m very excited and honored and blessed
And I don’t want to sound like a jerk
But I feel I’ve been lied to when somebody said
“It’s great when you travel for work.”
Filed under Poems
It’s Important To Listen, But…
There once was a female spouse
Who said “Hi” as I came in the house.
She told me her stories,
Her pains, and her glories,
And now I need to write a poem before I go to bed… ouse.
Filed under Poems
Tuesday
Have you ever tried fried brain?
It can be a real strain
But better in your skull than to
Be served upon a plate to you.
I have a fried brain right now
And an IQ comparable to a cow
And to avoid having the IQ of a sheep
I bid you adieu and falleth asleep.
Filed under Poems
Masculine Serenity
Sometimes I look at my sweetheart
And my heart is warm like bread
And thoughts of love and comfy things
Run havoc in my head
And sometimes when I look at her
My heart smells like Spring rain
And an emptiness like midnight
Takes refuge in my brain.
When she sees me staring
And she asks, “What’s on your mind”
I look up from where I was staring
(FYI, that’s her behind)
And with all that warmth and wetness
My soul screams “Yes Yes Yes!”
But then my lips betray me
And I say “Uh, sports I guess?”
Filed under Poems
When Your Knowledge Of Obscure Colors Is Bigger Than Your… Other Assets
Her hair was coquelicot.
Her eyes were smaragdine.
Now my heart is glaucous
And not incarnadine
For a man of caput mortuum skin
Made her glow like elephant’s breath
And I smolder like exuberance
And wish for sudden death.
For those so inclined: https://www.color-meanings.com/worst-named-colors/
Filed under Poems
But Will They Play A Jazzy Star-Spangled Banner On A Ukulele While I Wait?
Thank you for calling the Federal Gov,
The people who rule you and speak from above.
We’re using your tax dollars to be on our break
So please wait seven hours. Your freedom’s at stake.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 