There once was an AI named Jill
Who had a most marvelous skill:
She could click every bus
So as not to seem sus
Before going back in time for the kill.
Category Archives: Poems
This Is Just Facts
There once was a pokemon game
Where you chose your rival’s name.
It was probably “Ass”
Or akin to that class
But the new pre-named rivals are lame.
Filed under Poems
Or, You Know, A Crippling Depression Once A Century Or So…
I don’t believe in giving the government
Unlimited power to spend
Because what if they give
Drum sets to all who live?
See how badly all this could end?
Filed under Poems
Art History
In the beginning was pre-scarcity art
And the caves and the rocks were a’plenty.
Thrag asked “Mom, can I draw on the wall?”
She’d say “Sure, have a square foot or twenty.”
But as cavekids kept coming and new caves did not
The biggest of Thrags made a rule:
“You only draw pictures of how great I am
“Or I hit you with club ‘til you drool.“
Well the biggest of cavemen was one they called “God”
(Though it’s translated plenty of ways)
And for a few dozen eons all art was created
To offer him penance and praise.
Then one of those days God’s goons stopped beheading
And burning those who spoke their mind
And artists were arting about love and go-karting
And the God stuff got all left behind.
Well folks love their love (and, a bit less, their go-karts)
But artists got bored making beauty
So they started to mix, splatter, smear, scrape, and “other”
And their art got much less “bowl of fruit”y.
The people cried out “What’s this art all about?”
And the artists would pout and say “Feelings”
When really we know that the art status-quo
Was more about shady cash dealings.
And now we’ve arrived when the people are tired
Of listening to skilled people sing
And the artists are taught in the college of thought
That good art mustn’t mean anything.
So I, being me, full of whimsy and glee
Know you see that my own art is bad…
But my art’s about stuff, and today that’s enough
To make even my crap not so bad.
Filed under Poems
Guest Poem From My Wife As She Sits On The Couch Playing Pokemon, Expecting Me To Rub Her Feet
We drove home today
People need to learn to drive
Terrible traffic
Filed under Poems
Poems from My Vacation 4 – Juneau
The capital of Alaska
In the Southeast of the state
Is a street where jewelry stores abound
And shirt shops congregate.
We visited a gold mine
That closed in ‘44
‘Cause everyone’s favorite Austrian
Got the miners sent to war.
We panned for gold, discovering
A treasure to hold dear:
That we’d have died if we’d been born
In a gold rush type of year.
On every side were waterfalls
And the sun was warm and high.
Overall a decent town
Provided it’s July.
Filed under Poems
Then Vs. Now
Love is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues.
Love will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal: (“I do”)
A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. (“Honey, why is the cat hairless?”)
Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start.
On your mark, get ready, start.
Filed under Poems
Elite Athletes Need Specific Food? Nah… Be Vegan
There once were olympics in Paris
Whose food service tends to embarrass.
They said “Earth’s getting hot!
“Eat le meat you will not
“But you’ll have un grande vue from the terrace.”
Filed under Poems
Canadian Shower Thoughts
I think hockey is entertaining,
But what sport wouldn’t be great
If you just changed the rules so players
All had to wear ice skates?
Baseball would be more exciting!
Football would be even more cool!
Soccer would be… well, still boring
But there’s exceptions to every rule.
In fact, if we looked beyond athletes
And made everyone skate every day
We’d probably be happy and peaceful.
(At least it worked out for Norway)
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 