‘Twas the night after Kwanzaa
And all through the house
The whole family was stirring
But there was no male spouse…
The String Theory of Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas
And the night before too…
Santa worked with the time machine
‘Til he turned blue,
For he needed to ship out
A few billion presents
To all of the children
Of all of the peasants.
The flux gear grew wonky
(Which you’ll see is not great)
And entangled poor Santa
Into some quantum state.
For Santa existed
And yet he did not,
As is demonstrable by
Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.
And so if you ask
“Mama, is Santa flying?”
She should say “yes AND no,”
Or else mama is lying.
Filed under Poems
If You Can Read This, Don’t Bother
Today is a holiday
As you likely know.
I ate. Now I’m lazy
So I’m gonna go.
Filed under Poems
When Your Vocabulary Is Larger Than Your Target Audience
‘Twas Christmas Eve morning
And one hirsute hyperborean
Was done making toys
And now streaming “The Mandolorian.”
In a matter of hours
Gifts would be delivered on-time.
Meanwhile, one naughty poet
Was pleased with a rhyme.
Filed under Poems
Allie Be Like “OMG It’s Like They’re Reading My Mind!”
A twenty-year-old white girl asked
Why mice seek out a trap.
Then she smiled and sang along
To ALL the gangster rap!
Filed under Poems
Relationship Goals
Two years ago on Sunday
I looked into her eyes
And promised her I love her
And I’m not like other guys.
One year ago on Sunday
I met with her and said
I’d fly us both to Venice
And we’d never leave the bed.
And now this year on Sunday
I’ll ask her to be my bride
And maybe this time she’ll says yes
And I’ll feel good inside!
Filed under Poems
How Important Is The Vaccine?
.00000005
Is the percent of Americans infected during this pandemic.
.00000005
Is evidence corruption is systemic.
If a million people gathered in a single room
And .00000005 percent got sick as hell
Then of the million gathered there would tell you
One twentieth of one of them might feel a bit unwell.
.00000005
Is a number sixteen syllables long.
And yet it shut down the world for a year
And you ask me what I think is wrong?
Sources:
Population Clock –
Census.gov/popclock
New York Times –
Nytimes.com/interactive/2020/us/coronavirus-us-cases.html
Filed under Poems
1-17 Are Just Slime… 19-100 Are Escargot
When my car won’t work
Because something is faulty
I tend to get angry
Or, some would say, salty.
Yes, salt and rage fill me
Whenever I fail…
That’s reason 18
I’m glad I’m not a snail.
Filed under Poems
At Least The Pills Are Small
If you’re an ant
And you just can’t
Because of your upset tummy
So you eat a tum
And murmur “yum”
Because you’re not a dummy
But then you’re sad
And feel bad
And wish the pain hadn’t pass-ed
You take a bite
That feels right
Of an ant-anti-antacid.
Filed under Poems
Some People Get Paid Millions For This…
If you have a friend who is male
Here’s a game that will never get stale:
Find a sports team or three,
Guess who’ll win, disagree…
You’ll be right half the time without fail!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 