Somewhere down in baby hell
Are Lucifer and Baphomet,
Asmodeus, Apollyon,
Satan, and Adramalech
All laughing at demonic stuff
But here’s the evil rub:
There’s a new kid in the devil school.
His name’s Beelzebub.
His family comes from South Missouri
And his dad’s name was Cletus
And he’d been groomed for devilhood
Since he was a fetus.
The devils might have picked on him
‘Til he was a broken husk
But then a savior came along:
A baby devil named by Elon Musk.
Filed under Poems
There once was a lovely young seal
Who captured my sea-mammal heart.
She had an adorable squeal
That made all my fantasies start.
I asked her to go for a drink with me
At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.
But I scared her away. I’d forgotten
That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.
Filed under Poems
My boss said I’m incompetent
Because I visit the bathroom a lot.
Then I developed incontinence
And now visit that room I do not.
Filed under Poems
If I had a hundred camels
And a thousand mules
I could buy your daughter’s love
‘Cause those are the nuptial rules.
But you’d demand a thousand camels
And diamonds by the sack
If I got to know your daughter
And wanted to give her back.
Filed under Poems
Jared was a little dude
From Syracuse, New York
Who used to think his favorite meat
Was barbecue pulled pork.
Then he came upon a crowd
Of masturbating cattle
And now he says Beef strokin’ off
Has won the “best meat” battle.
Filed under Poems
If you were a mother and became a zombie
And started a life with you lil zombaby
Unlife would seem great when you lurch from the hearse
‘Til it’s time for the zombaby to nurse…
Filed under Poems
Asians are little.
White people are bigger.
The next largest up
Would have to be the magnitude of panic in your eyes when I start reading this poem on the streets of any major city at night.
Filed under Poems
I heard a job ad this afternoon:
“Need a change in career?
“Get a class A CDL
“And drive a big rig here.”
The company that advertised
Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”
And I figured it was close enough
To my current job of stripping…
After all, I already know
How to handle giant hardware,
How to move lube on the night shift,
And stopping traffic isn’t rare.
I load cargo in the backdoor
And handle massive logs
And I’ve known my share of pigs
(As well as cows and dogs).
I’ve made a living dancing
But now I just can’t wait
To sit all day upon my butt
‘Cause I know my butt is great!
Filed under Poems
I am stuck behind a car
Who doesn’t know quite where they are
And so decide to navigate
By traveling at 28.
I am stuck behind this guy
And starting to examine why
They made a law to punish those
Who ram the guys who hog the roads.
Filed under Poems
The sun is hot and bright today
And shared with me a warming ray
That made my pale indoor body
Turn pink and gold and very gaudy.
No matter how it made me feel
In a week that flesh will puff and peel
And I can throw the flesh that peels
At passerby. How good it feels!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 