Bumblebee, bumblebee, why do you fly
When life would be better
If you would just die?
Human, human, why do you hate
When you eat the plants
That we bees pollenate?
Bumblebee, bumblebee, sure you’re ok
In a creepy bumbley
Bug sort of way.
Human, human, we’re both Earth’s daughter
Wait, why do your hands
Hold aloft that fly swatter?
Filed under Poems
There once was a bear with a shirt
Whose heart filled with blackness and hurt.
He had no friends or money
So he ate all the honey
And the end of the world did avert.
Filed under Poems
The wealthy paid a submarine
To view the ocean bottom
Whereat the wreck of Titanic was seen
Until the ocean caught ‘em.
Now missing, they have headlines made
Of a voyage doomed to fail
Though I see not a tragedy
But wish more elites might sail.
Filed under Poems
I’m going to a climate conference
To inspire both hope and confidence
But I’m not sure which jet I should ride
So I’ll take both. I’m too rich to decide!
Filed under Poems
Once a year, a million kids
Quit going to a school
And they rent ugly hats and dresses
Because that’s just the rule.
Everybody’s name is read
And then the hats are thrown
And a million kids proceed to then
Forget what they had known.
Then a half a million kids
Go to school that costs a lot
Where they try to sleep with other kids
And, if they’re me, do not.
The other half get jobs at places
Where food is microwaved
Or join the “Guns and Tanks” patrol
And thus the world is saved.
This graduation from a child
To learned adult is great.
And now I must excuse myself;
For bed, I’m somewhat late.
Filed under Poems
My fellow Americans
I stand before you today
To declare my intention to run
For president of the USA.
If I am elected
I promise to unite
A country that’s divided
Between the left and right.
Speaking of right, my campaign is sponsored
By Google Energy Drink.
It’s made with all of your favorite flavors
Because data showed us how you think.
Consume three cans of GED a day
Or we’ll share your browser history.
But back to how I’ll save our nation…
Find out tonight at 10:00 on History!
Filed under Poems
As the auburn sunrise comes to settle
O’er the rocky hillside by the pine tree
Two boys compete to test th’others mettle
And by “boy” we mean those who cannot biologically experience pregnancy
And we do acknowledge that some who can experience pregnancy do identify as boys
And some who cannot do not identify as boys, but as ceilings
And then they hit each other with their Star Wars episode XXVIII toys
And were told “No D’CarsenIsabellaLiam”, which hurt their feelings
So their parents apologized, whether
Or not that was the thing for them to do
And they sang “Hail to the Chief” together
As the auburn sunset signaled curfew.
Filed under Poems
If I had a sweet purple pony
For every terrible poem I’ve written for you
I’d have no shortage of mystery meat
And the world would have no want for glue
Filed under Poems
Sometimes I think I have a lot
Upon my figurative plate
Because I have so little time
And go to sleep too late
And then I see somebody
Working nineteen hours for minimal pay
And I go home just thinking
“What flavor pizza should I get today?”
Filed under Poems
I accidentally deleted
My browser history
And yet the pages I visit
Show the same ads to me
About the things I’ve talked about
But never searched online
So forgive we while I move under this rock
And live there… I’ll be fine.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 