Tag Archives: Cynical

July 7, 2023 · 6:48 am

My First Sponsor!

Dear readers, it gives me great Pride(tm) that my blog, a long-time proponent of mediocrity in all forms, has chosen to partner with America’s favorite soft drink:

PIDD!

PIDD! (or Performance Inhibiting Drug Drink) has been taking the world by storm (consensually, of course). Inspired by brands like Disney, Bud Light, and OceanGate, PIDD! is sinking its teeth into all the things that once made you happy like:

The NBA (Nubile Boys of America)

MMA (Male Maidens Association)

UPS (Un-Penissing Service)

UN (United Nations)

And many more!

PIDD! is the only soft drink that makes you softer in both body and mind. It helped Lia Thomas become the first man to win the NCAA women’s 500m freestyle, helped Caitlyn Jenner become Glamour Magazine’s first male Woman of the Year, and now it can help your children become anything we want them to be!

So just like Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and the other heroes of your childhood, crack open a can of PIDD! (or pour a lukewarm glass of inner-city tap water) and let’s toast a future where men don’t have to stay that way.

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July 4, 2023 · 8:08 pm

Is Giving Them The Finger Still Rude If They’re Missing One?

A bunch of years ago we said

“Hey King, screw your royal head”

And dumped a hunch of tea into

A bay to say “Bugger off to you.”

Now I think that united spirit

Should say to those who care to hear it

“You’re free to use 2:00 AM fireworks

“But if you do you’re also jerks.”

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June 29, 2023 · 8:08 pm

Peace Talks

Bumblebee, bumblebee, why do you fly

When life would be better

If you would just die?

Human, human, why do you hate

When you eat the plants

That we bees pollenate?

Bumblebee, bumblebee, sure you’re ok

In a creepy bumbley

Bug sort of way.

Human, human, we’re both Earth’s daughter

Wait, why do your hands

Hold aloft that fly swatter?

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June 26, 2023 · 7:27 pm

Have You Seen The New “Winnie The Pooh” Movie By DC?

There once was a bear with a shirt

Whose heart filled with blackness and hurt.

He had no friends or money

So he ate all the honey

And the end of the world did avert.

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June 22, 2023 · 8:30 pm

Nauti Nauti…

The wealthy paid a submarine

To view the ocean bottom

Whereat the wreck of Titanic was seen

Until the ocean caught ‘em.

Now missing, they have headlines made

Of a voyage doomed to fail

Though I see not a tragedy

But wish more elites might sail.

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June 20, 2023 · 7:29 pm

A Day In The Life Of A Hero

I’m going to a climate conference

To inspire both hope and confidence

But I’m not sure which jet I should ride

So I’ll take both. I’m too rich to decide!

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June 17, 2023 · 9:27 pm

On Commencement

Once a year, a million kids

Quit going to a school

And they rent ugly hats and dresses

Because that’s just the rule.

Everybody’s name is read

And then the hats are thrown

And a million kids proceed to then

Forget what they had known.

Then a half a million kids

Go to school that costs a lot

Where they try to sleep with other kids

And, if they’re me, do not.

The other half get jobs at places

Where food is microwaved

Or join the “Guns and Tanks” patrol

And thus the world is saved.

This graduation from a child

To learned adult is great.

And now I must excuse myself;

For bed, I’m somewhat late.

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June 8, 2023 · 7:42 pm

Campaign Ads, 2028

My fellow Americans

I stand before you today

To declare my intention to run

For president of the USA.

If I am elected

I promise to unite

A country that’s divided

Between the left and right.

Speaking of right, my campaign is sponsored

By Google Energy Drink.

It’s made with all of your favorite flavors

Because data showed us how you think.

Consume three cans of GED a day

Or we’ll share your browser history.

But back to how I’ll save our nation…

Find out tonight at 10:00 on History!

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June 7, 2023 · 8:23 pm

Why People Don’t Write Sonnets Anymore

As the auburn sunrise comes to settle

O’er the rocky hillside by the pine tree

Two boys compete to test th’others mettle

And by “boy” we mean those who cannot biologically experience pregnancy

And we do acknowledge that some who can experience pregnancy do identify as boys

And some who cannot do not identify as boys, but as ceilings

And then they hit each other with their Star Wars episode XXVIII toys

And were told “No D’CarsenIsabellaLiam”, which hurt their feelings

So their parents apologized, whether

Or not that was the thing for them to do

And they sang “Hail to the Chief” together

As the auburn sunset signaled curfew.

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June 6, 2023 · 8:59 pm

Too Far?

If I had a sweet purple pony

For every terrible poem I’ve written for you

I’d have no shortage of mystery meat

And the world would have no want for glue

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