Learning CPR
To kiss choking folks for free
Still beats dating apps.
Tag Archives: Dating
I Can Call Him Black, But If He Says It Back That Misogy-tea
I’m a little teapot, short and stout.
I’m looking for a kettle six-foot or thereabout
Who makes a hefty salary, and when I shout
He wins me over and takes me out.
Filed under Poems
We All Have That One Ex…
So I was dating May
Until she moved away,
And then I dated Jenny
But she stole my lucky penny,
So I started dating Morgan
But she worshipped Demogorgon,
And now I’m dating Ted
‘Cause ladies loco in the head.
Filed under Poems
How I Don’t Miss It
There once was a prospective miss
Who offered a lackluster kiss.
I just stood there thinking
“I could’ve gone drinking
“Yet I ironed my shirt just for this?”
Filed under Poems
What’s Your Type?
Some men like big butts
And some like them small;
Some like short women
And some like them tall.
Some men like long hair
And some men like bald;
Some guys love feet pics
And some are appalled.
Some men like titties
And no men do not;
Some find legs sexy
And some find them hot.
Some men like fat girls
And some like them slim;
Some guys like all these
And some prefer him.
Guys are to horny
As goats are to hunger;
Some use their fingers
And some guys will tongue ‘er.
So if you’re a woman
And feel insecure
Just know if you ask him
Some guys will say “sure.”
Filed under Poems
Big Girls Are Settling Now
I read an inspiring article
About how blue whales reproduce.
Apparently, they interbreed with fin whales
Who are not as large or recluse.
The fact that these largest of animals
Might bring their endangerment to an end
Gives me hope. It should give you hope too
That a blue whale might be your girlfriend.
Filed under Poems
Stay
You’ve gotta go
To go see a show
That a small town like me can’t provide.
You’ve dreamed of a start
That’s a lifetime apart
From how I make you feel inside.
Your castle awaits
Where a panel of fates
Wants to hear of your fall fashion line.
I’ll help with your coat
And row over the moat
All while insisting I’m fine.
When you came along
And we started our song
We both knew one day it would end.
I dreamed of five-one
But you dreamed of more fun
So I tell people you’re just a friend.
I hope your sunsets
Are as good as it gets
And your kingdom will kneel and bow
While at the same time
It feels like a crime
That I want to say “stay” anyhow.
Filed under Poems
The Butterfly Effect
There comes a time in every man’s life
Where he is trapped with his female kin
And there’s crying and talking and crafting galore
And he’s trying his best to fit in
But after an hour of trying to talk
And solve problems, he has an epiphany:
His life as he knows it is over because
He hit on a waitress named Tiffany…
Filed under Poems
Requires At Least 18 Years Of Continuous Experience In This Gender
We’ve finally reached the fated day
Where your date presents a resume
And you have to ask her in detail
About the gap in her experience as a female
Filed under Poems
A Lonely Knight
I showed up to a young singles event
In plate armor head-to-toe,
But the organizers said I looked Middle Aged
And so I had to go.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 