No matter who you’re with
And no matter who you are
There will always be one person
Who goes a bit too far.
They’ll give a speech a bit too long
Or play one piece too many
And when you look for the shits they give
You find that there aren’t any.
If you know this person
I hope you wish them well.
If you are that person
Good riddance! Go to hell.
Filed under Poems
Last night I wrote a lot.
Tonight I wrote much not.
The kettle is black and so is the pot.
Filed under Poems
There once was a birthday party
That started at 6:30
It went a long time,
Which makes it hard to rhyme
Which is why “30” is now pronounced “tharty”.
Filed under Poems
One of the problems with globalism
Is that some Scandinavian guy named Anders
Is going to meet a muslim guy named Salaam
And a third party will greet them both
By shouting “Salaam, Anders!”
And some guy terrified of reptiles
Will sue for emotional damages.
Filed under Poems
She saw a roll of wrapping paper,
A pool noodle, and a stick.
He saw a lightsaber, a lightsaber, and a lightsaber
Because he has a dick.
Filed under Poems
I asked the preacher “Hey what if
“I steal a loaf of bread?”
The preacher answered “You’ll be judged
“In Heaven once you’re dead.”
I asked, “What if I kill somebody
“But I confess before I die?”
The preacher said “The Lord will judge
“If your intention is a lie.”
I asked, “What if I hog
“The bathroom before work?”
The preacher said, “You’ll go to Hell
You [Sinful language] jerk!”
Filed under Poems
Tomorrow I’m strapping knives to my feet
And throwing myself down a hill.
Then I’ll get on a chair that flies through the air
And do it again for a thrill.
Filed under Poems
Tonight I stayed home to guarantee
I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.
I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,
Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.
I was also playing video games
And burning wood to keep my house hot.
I had an awesome time doing everything but
Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.
I spent an evening by myself
Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”
At the TV, so although I’m a dumby
My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!
Filed under Poems
I think people would be happier
If once a day, for free,
They could take an eighteen-wheeler
Packed with TNT
And have a robot drive it
Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum
But that’s very illegal
‘Cause the government is dumb.
Filed under Poems
I think that absolute proof
That a time machine exists
Is the fact that someone went back in time
And found a T-Rex
And said “Aww yeah… T-Rex….”
And then got eaten
And nobody has time traveled since.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 