In the beginning
When Adam and Eve
Decided to hide
Their groins with some leaves
A great cat of Eden
Chose to enhance
Its modest appearance
By wearing some pants.
Were he a cheetah,
A leopard or lion
Their would be no problem
And all would be fine.
Alas, ’twas a puma
Who chose to get dressed
And he said “I puma pants”
And was teased ’til depressed.
And so he went naked
And other beasts did the same
Until that one girl
And the dog-sweaters came…
Filed under Poems
I met a guy
Who was afraid of the ocean,
The salt and the seaweed
And unending motion.
I said “You can fix it!
“Come swimming with me!”
Then I murdered and canned him
‘Cause he was Chicken of the Sea.
Filed under Poems
If ever a black woman
Tries to defraud you
Here is a line you can say:
“Do I look like your baby,
“Because probably maybe
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
Filed under Poems
I think the greatest opportunity
Anyone ever missed
Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”
Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!
Filed under Poems
One time I didn’t poop for a week,
So I went to the doctor for help.
He gave me two options to get me to go.
The first was a mixture of kelp
And fructose with fiber, a laxative cocktail
To force my intestines to play.
The second was working a job that I hate…
And now I poop two hours a day!
Filed under Poems
If you want to have world peace
And have all wars be ended
All you need to do is kill
The folks who get offended
Because if no one ever
Is upset by what gets said
No one will think, “That’s mean
“And so let’s make that person dead.”
Instead the only people
Still alive can speak their mind
And no one says “Let’s murder them
“‘Cause they mocked my behind.”
We’d live in perfect harmony
In lands of dance and song,
And if such genocide offends you
Then I dare you: Prove me wrong.
Filed under Poems
A small cup of soda is $2.99,
A medium pop is $3.50, and
A large one is only $3.55
So I figure your mom costs a grand.
Filed under Poems
I think Albino representation
Is what modern Hollywood lacks.
After all, if there are no albinos
What roles will Netflix give the blacks?
Filed under Poems
If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 