Let me walk you through a moment
Of what I call “being me.”
Instead of streaming music
And paying a monthly fee
I plugged in my computer
From around 2008,
Pressed power on at 6:15
And it booted up by 8:00,
Loaded up my iTunes
From before it was an app
Then uploaded some files
That will make my right foot tap,
Plugged in my phone and synced it
For an hour and a half
Then enjoyed my music free of charge
With a joyful millennial laugh.
Filed under Poems
“Put on some sunscreen,” they said,
“Or else you’ll get all burnt and red.”
Now my flesh is peeling
And I have the feeling
That I have been grossly misled.
Filed under Poems
I think when you turn 40
You get a superpower
To make any food into a salad.
But when you’re 45
The option to use vegetables
Besides celery suddenly becomes invalid.
Filed under Poems
If your chorus is just one sentence
Repeated exactly four times
That song isn’t actually music
And one day you’ll pay for your crimes.
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D and D went long.
We were fighting evil frogs!
What do you mean, “Nerd”?
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Big fat ginger cat
Satan in a fluffy ball
He deserves more food
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Today we celebrate the gals
Who held us in their wombs
Instead of sending unborn us
To our not-born-yet dooms,
Who raised us as to be decent folk
(Regardless if it worked)
So clean and pure in making sure
Our chores were never shirked,
Who bought us socks for Christmas
And for the many that still do,
Who cleaned diapers and never
Did eschew beaucoup pee-yoo.
Thank you mothers everywhere
And hear us when we say
We’re grateful that at least one night
You probably weren’t gay.
Filed under Poems
So when you buy a phone
You buy a screen protector thing
That keeps your glass from breaking
When you do a stupid thing.
Another stupid thing though
Is that if they have this tech
Why don’t they make the glass from it?
Come on now! What the heck?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 