I love you
Like city officials love roundabouts
And bicycle lanes
And sidewalks with little gardens
That make them impossible to traverse.
I need you
Like white girls need artisan coffee
With little flowers made of milk
And 27 makeup brushes
To achieve that perfect “no makeup” look.
I want you
Not quite as much as I want trading cards
But pretty close,
Especially when you’re not all hormonal
And don’t talk too much.
Your boobs are nice too.
Filed under Poems
I called her pulchritudinous.
She called me eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious.
Both of those are compliments
In case I made you curious.
Today I discovered
That farting into the air purifier
Makes the lights go red
And the fans go brrrrrrr.
Today my wife discovered
That she made a terrible mistake
By not saving her farts
Until she was closer to the air purifier.
#Love
Filed under Poems
My forehead is sunburnt
And peeling a bit.
My wife, for some reason,
Is playing with it,
Peeling my flesh off
With childish glee
And I love that I found someone
Weirder than me.
Filed under Poems
There once was a man in a political seat
Whose rhetoric inspired much political heat.
Because of this protestors did amass across the nation
In a movement called “NoKings” which is a hot recent sensation.
Alas, the hockey players in Los Angeles are sad
And the Sacremento basketballers also feel mad.
I for one support our Californian athlete friends
And wish the players happiness until this protest ends.
Filed under Poems
Big fat ginger cat
Satan in a fluffy ball
He deserves more food
Filed under Poems
My wife is ultradorable
And superfect as well.
I think she’s megawesome
And my only fear is she’ll
Come home with a horse one day
That she was drunkenjoying
Because, although she’s gigamazing,
She can be equestriannoying.
Filed under Poems
There’s a man I admire. He’s a rock star
And his lyrics have changed my life.
He accompanied me from a basement alone
To a home with my wonderful wife.
He told me his son has a hero
And it isn’t the guy that you think,
Not the man who’s inspiring millions
But the guy who fixed up the sink.
I’m content now to not be a rockstar,
To embrace all the skills I don’t see
Because somewhere a hero is watching
And perhaps is inspired by me.
I’ll endeavor to be the example
Of the way I think normal should go.
We can all be a hero to someone
Even if it’s someone we don’t know.
Filed under Poems
Love is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues.
Love will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal: (“I do”)
A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. (“Honey, why is the cat hairless?”)
Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start.
On your mark, get ready, start.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 