Jack said “I bet” I can hold
My breath longer than you.
We shook hands and I staked cash
Knowing it wasn’t true.
Then I inhaled and so did he
Our cheeks and chests puffed out
And we proceeded with not-breathing
With the hope of earning clout.
15 seconds later
We both were doing fine.
We both were getting tired
When we hit a minute nine.
The suffering really started
At a minute thirty-two
And when we hit two minutes
We both had turned quite blue.
Another 30 seconds
And another after that.
Even though my name is Dave I
Hallucinated I was Matt.
A minute then another
Then an hour, then a week…
Neither of us dared exhale.
Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.
And when the comet hit the Earth
And brought the end of days
Jack and I, two zombies,
Saw the error of our ways.
We held our breath for eons,
‘Til the East became the West.
In our undeath we’ll break the tie
By seeing who can piss the best.
Filed under Poems
I like to raise a ruckus,
Rouse some rabble, have some fun.
I’m a manly man, so wild
That my hair is in a bun.
I’m true to my own nature
Even if it makes folks hate me.
I’m a mysterious loner bad-boy
So why does no one want to date me?
Filed under Poems
The hermit crab lived all alone,
Befitting of his name,
But he met a lady hermit crab
And talked and thrust and came.
Alas, he failed to protect himself
With a rubber or a thing of that yen
And he contracted a most vile disease:
In this case it was men.
Filed under Poems
If you’re anything like me
And you really need to pee
And you can’t hold it anymore
The solution isn’t hard.
Give the guy at the next urinal your card.
You won’t pee until 2024.
Filed under Poems
I made a pizza
With with kale and s’mores,
Sime slightly-burnt Dr. Pepper
And pastrami galore!
Now you mean to say
You ain’t hungry no more?
Filed under Poems
Today’s a unique day
When tens of millions of men
Are depressed as they begin waiting
To see men in tight pants fighting again.
Filed under Poems
If you aim to please a woman:
If you aim to please a woman
In the daytime or the night
You must have the understanding
That you will do nothing right.
Women come in all varieties,
Not unlike an apple.
They’re made of the best stuff on Earth
Just like a can of Snapple.
But like a can of Snapple
With the label torn away,
You don’t know what you’ll be getting.
Don’t worry, that’s okay.
If you aim to please a man:
Take off your clothes.
Get out of those
Garments that were “Get in its.”
Then lay on back,
Hope that it’s black,
And enjoy the next three minutes.
Filed under Poems
To me you’re like an insert thing here^
Full of double meanings
Absent of rhyme or reason
Or punctuation
You make my anatomy act
In a way appropriate for anatomy
In a situation of extreme emotion
Such as sweating
Swelling^
Or accelerated heartbeat
You make me want to write iridescent
Not because you are
But because it sounds pretty
And you like pretty things
Like diamonds
And Benjamin Franklin
This poem is not a pretty thing
I am writing it in bed
By myself
Shortly after waking up
At 4:30 PM*
I am alone
I have B.O.**
I have cable***
And five hours before bedtime****
Although it’s not a meaningful term
Because I might not leave my bed
Rehashing of the similarity
Between you and the object
Which was inserted in the first stanza^
Because after all
This poem is about you****
Happy Valentine’s Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Untrue, but it makes me seem pitiful
** Probably true. Can’t tell due to nasal fatigue.
*** Also Untrue
**** See ***
^That sounded naughty…
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
One walks along the city streets,
Just trying to get some air,
Yet one can’t help but notice
All the girls who stop and stare.
One experiences this often.
If somewhere one does go
One’s glamor, wit, and glowing health
Make one a living show.
One wishes one could take a break
From being the perfect man,
So I guess I’m pretty lucky
That I’m not one, and I can.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 