I know that there are anteaters
And I know that there are ants
And I think that this is proof
That life wasn’t made by chance.
The only thing I wish to know
Is why this brilliant creator
Took a look at spiders and said
“I’ll make the thing that eats them later.”
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the day after Easter
And the kids were off school
Eating copious sugar
And emitting much drool
When a rabbit emerged
And said “Sorry I’m late!”
Then he hid eggs all over
And hopped over the gate.
The children tried chasing,
But bunnies are fast…
Then it dawned on a child
Who whispered at last
“If the bunny came here
“Today, who was that
“Who brought candy yesterday?”
Thus smiled the Easter Rat.
Filed under Poems
Sure, his work was childish
And adequate at best…
Did I give too much homework
Or too difficult a test?
Perhaps I judged too harshly…
I didn’t know I’d cause a fuss
When I told my student, Adolf,
That he’d earned a big D+
Filed under Poems
What if we made a TV show
For people who love manly heroes
That starred a green, feminist lawyer
And had a budget with multiple zeroes
Who lectures the characters we know and love
And faces no relevant threats?
Oh, and let’s call our core audience ‘bigots’
And see how many millions it nets!
Filed under Poems
I asked how hot the weather was
On a scale of one to ten,
But apparently that’s boring
So I rephrased and asked again:
“On a scale that starts at Poop
“And goes until my Sadie Sink
“How hot is it?” They said “Satan’s balls”
And now I don’t know what to think…
Filed under Poems
Some people spend their lives
Trying hard to do things right,
Making perfectly circular pizzas
And working through the night.
Other people live their lives
By doing what is fun
Though the pizza ends up looking
Like art the family dog has done.
Perfectionists unite, I say
And make the rocket ships
While the do-it-my-way folks
Make new flavors for the chips.
The harmony is perfect
Though perfectionists will glare
Because the have-some-funners
Smile back without a care.
But if the pizza’s spherical
Instead of round and flat
Take a bite: It tastes all right
And you’re the first to make it that!
Filed under Poems
There once was a man from Tuskaloosa
Who had no fondness for his appaloosa.
Alas, ‘twas the only kind
Of rhyming thing he could find
So he packed up and moved to Des Moines.
Filed under Poems
I always wanted a grandkid
With whom I could spend days
Holding, feeding, talking, reading,
And bonding in other ways.
When I got the call that said
“I’m pregnant,” I felt joy.
All that could make it better was if
The pregnant one was my little boy.
Filed under Poems
I lost my job this morning.
I was notified by text:
“Thanks for your time with us.
“Good luck on whatever comes next.”
I knew after I told my boss
My thoughts I couldn’t debate it…
“100 million sperm, and somehow
“You’re the one who made it?”
Filed under Poems
You hear me say, you hear me holler:
“Another day, another dollar.”
My boss says hey, my boss says “So,
“We bought a bot. You got to go.”
So I reply, so I concur:
“I don’t know why, but I guess sure.”
Then I left with a smile, since
My boss bought the bot from a Nigerian prince.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 