Plenty of folks can come up with jokes,
But fewer deliver them well,
Many a person can think up a product,
But few of those products can sell,
A whole host can fail at many endeavors
But few of them fail with grace,
And prisons are full of a criminal plenty
But most of them share the same race.
Filed under Poems
Tonight I watched a movie
That made me cry
About an awkward redhead
Who can travel through time.
He learned that living every day
As if it is your last
Is the key to perfect happiness,
Not reliving the past.
Unlike awkward redhead dude
I can’t control the ages,
Can’t redo my past mistakes
Or rewrite history’s pages.
What I can do that others can’t
Is make the time you spend
Be used to wish my poetry
Would finally freakin’ end.
Filed under Poems
You know that food you enjoy
Every once in a while,
That you can heat in a minute
And always makes you smile?
What if that niche pleasure
Came in a 500 pack for a dollar?
If you want to pay us to buy that
Just give old Costco a holler!
Filed under Poems
Somebody decided
To take a piece of land
And implement a strategy
A capitalist planned
Wherein they’d charge some strangers
A fee for a ticket
To try a lot of fancy ways
To get all cold and wet.
They’d make a lot of slidey things
And fountains you can climb
And lazy lilting rivers
Where you can waste your time
And pools that make big waves
Like the ocean, but controlled.
I don’t know whose idea it was
But I know that I’m sold!
This poem is dedicated to Steven,
The lifeguard at Boulder Beach
Who saved this poet’s glasses
Which had fallen past his reach.
Filed under Poems
Today I drive a long, long time
So you’ll have to settle for yesterday’s rhyme
Filed under Poems
There once was a guy from Scarborough
Who was fair, but not very thorough.
He made food, garnished sparsely
With sage, rosemary, and parsley
But alas, he didn’t take time enough.
Filed under Poems
I’m inspired by that hand dryer
That’s supposed to blow the air
So the water that was on your hands
Is, well, no longer there
But it one day just decided
“I don’t like this anymore,
“So let them press my button
“And then remember what pants are for.”
Filed under Poems
Back when Youtube first began
A bunch of kids created
Videos so funny that
Folks nearly suffocated.
Now, insurance companies
Pay grown-ups lots of money
To make commercial messages
Which somehow still aren’t funny.
If you want to sell me
Some insurance or the like
You should fire your writing staff
And hire some kid named Mike
‘Cause when I see an ad that says
“We’re expensive, we won’t lie
“But we’re not just corporate assholes”
That’s the moment that I’ll buy!
Filed under Poems
I wonder if goats
Ever look at ghosts
And think
“If not for bad spelling
“That could have been us…”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 