My wife thinks I am a spider
And I think she may be right
Because both I and a spider
Make her scream at night.
My wife reminds me of a Nickelback
CD that I play. It
Makes a noise I quite enjoy
Although I’d never publicly say it.
Tag Archives: Poetry
When The Next Covid Hits
There’s a zombie in the basement
And a dozen in the alley
And the news says they are spreading
Through the mountain and the valley,
Just a moaning and a eating
Brains and animals galore.
From sea to shining sea’s awash
With tears and sweat and gore.
And here I am in slippers
Eating chili and having a snooze
Because I had the foresight
To then off the evening news.
Filed under Poems
And If She’s A Snail, We Might Go Back To Her Place
If I met an invertebrate
I’d probably try to flirt a bit.
I’d say “You look fine”
“With your lack of a spine“
Then possibly lift up her skirt a bit.
Filed under Poems
Yes, This Poem Is Meaningless. That’s The Point (Or Is It? bum Bum BUUUUUUUUUUM!!!)
There once was a fellow name Mao
And nobody’s quite certain how
Without any trepidation
He subverted expectation
And that’s how you Hollywood now.
Filed under Poems
Yet Another Tinder Success
She was skinnier than the toilet paper
They gave me in the slammer.
Her favorite flavor of potato chip
Was probably “Arm and Hammer.”
She weighs 90 pounds in flip-flops
And half as much without
And her hair was like the love child
Of silly string and sauerkraut.
When I picked her up at 7:00
I mistook her for her Pomeranian.
Turns out she was trilingual:
English, Klingon, and Albanian.
We went to see a movie:
“Alvin the Chipmunk meets Baby Shark.”
I’m not saying I’m desperate
But I think I felt a spark!
Filed under Poems
12 Vs. 22
“My tummy hurts.
My throat is sore.
I don’t want to go school no more.“
“My soul is charred.
My dreams are dead.
Take an aspirin and go to bed.”
Filed under Poems
I Used To Write These At 11:59. Now I Write Them At 8:56. I Must Be Getting Old
I played D&D tonight
And we had an epic fight.
Now this nerd must rest his head
Because it’s past his time for bed.
Filed under Poems
Released
Just time
No space
I wait
I pace
Feel stuck
Lack grace
Hands sweat
Hearts race
Then I hear
And I see
There is light
I am free!
Break the lock
Lose the key
I was that
Now I’m me.
Walking forward
Trying to run
Out of the tomb
Into the sun
Losing all my chains
Shedding my orange jumpsuit
Body free of all my pains
I am a vine grown from a root
What do I have left to do
Now that I am set free
Will I look for you
Or look for me
In the sunlight
Who will I be
Am I alright
Is this good
Who am I
I’m a bird
Can I fly
Hands sweat
Feet walk
Eyes wide
Tongues talk
Girls run
Boys chase
Same time
New space
Filed under Poems
Cologne Options
Fresh cut french fries,
Lavender breeze,
Dusty sweat after a ballgame,
The salt of the seas,
Lime, peaches, and sunflowers,
Grandma’s garlic spaghetti:
Yet you decided to spritz on
“Testosterone Yeti.”
Filed under Poems
America’s Great Mistake
Wild turkey
Powerful majestic bird
Bald eagles are overrated
Turkeys are tasty
And kind
Filed under Poems
