You can make a salad
Out of Jell-o or potatoes,
One with cheese and croutons
Or bacon, lettuce, and tomatoes.
And though you can make a salad
Out of nothing more than fruit, you
Chose to make a kale salad…
I have no choice but to shoot you.
Tag Archives: Poetry
All I Want For Christmas…
If you ever give me a puppy
I want you to name it “Trollop”
So I can shout “Trollop”
At the top of my lungs in the park
And not go to prison.
Filed under Poems
“The Lousy Microwave” (Because I Spent All My Time On The Poem Instead Of The Title Today)
I have a lousy microwave.
It’s very very slow.
It take about two minutes
To melt a ball of snow.
If you want to boil water
A half an hour should do
And if you ever cook some soup
Go watch a film or two.
Your vegetables will not be steamed.
Your corn will not be popped.
The minute that you start it
It has already stopped.
It’s starting to annoy me
And get under my skin
And now I’ll either throw it out
Or try to plug it in.
Filed under Poems
A Poem Is…
A vague sentence
Full of supercilious words
Spread out asymmetrically
Over multiple
Lines,
Rhyming
Optional.
Filed under Poems
And Hark! He Said “Thou Cannot Reason With These People”
If we elected God himself
To lead the USA
Half of us would disapprove
Because he’s anti-gay.
Another half would criticize
The way his job was done
And make memes calling him socialist:
“Loaves and fishes for everyone!”
His “love your neighbor” policy
Would, by nationalists, be despised.
We’d call him dumb to design an ark
That’s unfeasibly sized.
We’d cry out “Egomaniac”
Because he asks for praise.
We’d complain that since he made time
The weekend should last four days.
Mary’d call him a rapist
After carrying his son
And some would say the Russians
Are the reason that he won.
They’d break the third commandment
Every day within the news
And people would complain
Because he panders to the Jews.
If we made God the president
He’d be called an old white shill,
But for sure his graven image
Would never grace a dollar bill.
Filed under Poems
There Is No Hidden Meaning. You’re Welcome.
I met an Indian guy on Tinder,
A philosopher named Deepinder.
I couldn’t understand most of what he said
So he said “Date my brother Shallowinder instead.”
Filed under Poems
Meanwhile Men Just Sit, Kill Animals In Silence, And Love One Another
If you look I think you’ll find
That women are mean to their own kind:
They’ll criticize you if you’re pretty.
They’ll be mean if you look shitty.
They’ll tease you if they can’t see your butt
But if they can then you’re a slut.
They’ll mock you if you’ve got one pal, though
If you are popular they’ll call you shallow.
They’ll fill your life with only hate
But I’m a man. How ’bout a date?
Filed under Poems
Ignorance Is Bliss
Our childish dreams are warm
Beneath the blanket of unknowing,
Our sensibilities secure
All thanks to lack of growing.
Dulcet and desultory,
With ease we are besot,
Avoiding the obstreperous
And things requiring thought.
We swim in tranquil waters
As our bones turn into lard.
Our brains become decrepit
As we hide from all that’s hard.
The deities of comfort
Sanctify our mindless chatter,
A lullaby to help forget
Our lives don’t really matter.
When hunger or reality
Force us, languid, to act
We choose harmony of feelings
Over cacophony of fact,
And thus have we who worship
Our mirror’s charming sheen
Learned to pray for ignorance
So that we may die serene.
Filed under Poems
This Is a Poem Defying Negative Social Outlooks Towards Men For Innocent Behaviors, Specifically “Mansplaining”
I’m often accused of “mansplaining”
When what I teach just isn’t landing.
But never once have I met a woman
Who I accused of womanunderstanding.
So why do we assume that men are spreaders
And not that chicks on buses seem to shrink?
I await answers with manticipation
‘Cause I’m curious to know what women think.
Filed under Poems
The Making Of Shrek 3 (‘Cause 1 and 2 Are Genius)
There once was a movie
That featured a fart
And, in children, it inspired laughter.
And so it was decreed
That fart jokes were a need
In all movies for children thereafter.
Filed under Poems
