As Dumbledore once said
When called upon to speak:
“I have a few words to say:
“Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak.”
These words describe my mental state
It’s been that sort of week.
Tag Archives: Silly
The Two Great Sources Of Human Suffering
The greatest mistakes man has committed
Are deferring their joy to be wealthy
And the not telling a lie when it was discovered
That eating kale was healthy.
Filed under Poems
Quick Bonus Poem
If you want to feel sadder
Than you’ve ever felt
Imagine a world
In which cheese doesn’t melt.
Filed under Poems
The 900-Year-Old Virgin
I discovered a Star Wars easter egg
That no one’s noticed yet.
The Jedi forbid romantic love
In times the prequels set.
This ban on love and marriage
As a staple of Jedi law
Lasted from Yoda’s infancy
To his death on Dagobah.
So the Easter egg I mentioned
That everybody missed
Is Yoda was Disney’s Frog Prince
That no one ever kissed.
Filed under Poems
A Poem Is Only A Poem If You Don’t Understand It (Chicks Dig Metapoetry)
Wherefore do we seek a verse
From yonder parent, babe, or nurse
To instruct us in verbal mosaic
Both obfuscatory and archaic?
Wherefore, also I must ask,
Do we encourage such a task
Except to inhabit the proverbial sack
With those who a Y chromosome lack?
And yet contests and prizes plenty
Abound for verses-sentimenty.
Especially now that need of a bard
Is largely supplanted by the Hallmark card.
Filed under Poems
The Hippies Are Alive And Well
Sometimes I like to sit
And feel the wind between my toes,
To plant some seeds behind my ears
And see if something grows,
To boil a pot of water
Then cool it with my breath.
I call it “life with nature.”
Dad calls it “side-effects of meth.”
Filed under Poems
Playing With A Too-Full Deck
The young bet on clubs
And slowly lose their mind.
The grown bet on diamonds
And what they seek, they find.
The old bet on spades
And in time all follow suit.
For those who bet on hearts
Best be rich, or else be cute.
Yet I drew five jokers…
I’m either destined for greatness
Or I bet on too many clubs.
Filed under Poems
Now I’m Going To Get A Bunch Of Calls And Texts From Concerned People Who Think I’m Depressed When, No, I’m Just Not Particularly Inspired And MyPrevious Poems Involved How Much I Hate Zucchini And Soccer So I Figured I’d Just Publish This One. (Also, Around The Time I Wrote “Poems” In This Title I Became Unable To See What I Was Typing Because My Phone’s Screen Is Too Small So Please Forgive Any Tupoes). Also, Is There A Limit To How Long A Title Can Be?
If I weren’t so cynical
I’d probably be equally sad,
Not because I’m cynical
But because the world’s just bad.
This Is Closer To Reality Than I’d Like (And Yes, Niche Does Rhyme With Itch)
Sometimes I wish I were an itch,
An itch that can’t be scratched
So I could bug the ugly thug
To whom you are attached.
Then when you were single
I would steal away your heart
And just like that eternal itch
We’d never be apart.
But eventually you’d hate me
And the scratching I’d inspire
And you’d dump me for some other jerk
Of whom you would soon tire
Then I would swoop back to you,
Your faithful little itch
And maybe this time you won’t dump me?
What do you mean my fetish is niche…
Filed under Poems
Another Dream Accomplished!
My dream is not too grandiose;
It’s simply to be less verbose.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 