Baby, when I look at you
All sexy Thursday night
I think of how you’d look if you
Would move towards the right
And stand beside the TV screen
All cute. I want to cheer
‘Cause I can watch the game again.
Oh hey, grab me a beer!
Tag Archives: Travesty
When Vegetarians Snap
There once was a Chihuahua from next door
That barked, whined, and then barked more.
Eventually he died
And nobody cried.
In other news, now I’m a carnivore.
Filed under Poems
Tyranny Bugs Me
There they were, two armies,
One in black and one in red
Swarming from their anthill
Knowing one must soon be dead.
One was sponsored by Les Schwab Tires,
The other by Steve’s Work Pants.
One army shouted “We will be victorious!”
The other screamed “Death to tire ants!”
Filed under Poems
Christmas Music After They Take Jesus Out
You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,
Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,
But do you recall
The most famous Mickey of all?
Mickey the big-dick Reindeer
Had a very shiny body part
And if you go deep enough on Google
You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh, except the does.
They just avoided contact
To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say…
“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.
I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”
Then how the laughter halted
As they watched the rebels flee.
“We’re sorry for feeling threatened
By your girthy masculinity!”
Making Your Mind Up
The stuff that makes wine
May grow on a vine;
The stuff that makes mead
Is what the bees need;
The stuff that makes leeches
Can be found on beaches;
But what makes my mind go
No one ever will know.
Filed under Poems
Male Privilege
Young girls get to be princesses
And have real tea at their party
And have sugar and milk
And gloves made of silk,
But boys? Yep! We get to be farty!
Filed under Poems
Plus A Lot More 😁
I’m grateful for puppies
That eat the whipped cream
That we spray on their paws while they sleep,
I’m grateful for holidays
That involve candy
But nowhere to be seen is a Peep,
I’m grateful for readers
Who tolerate poems
That are four lines or less when I’m tired,
And I’m grateful for days
With a built-in theme
Because I can pretend I’m inspired.
Filed under Poems
Boyhood
If you never rode a bicycle
From the top of dead-man’s hill
And hit 100 miles an hour
And then took a wicked spill
And sprayed your blood all everywhere
But didn’t cry one bit
Then son, you are a wussy.
If you did, you’re full of it!
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than The New Hobbit Movies
There once was a fellow named Baggins
Who tired of old Gandalf’s naggin’s.
He stole a gold ring
From a fire snake thing
And inspired the game “Dungeons and Dragons”.
Filed under Poems
Milk Was Just The Beginning (The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Saga)
People are always joking
About how it weirds them out
That someone grabbed a cow’s udder
And drank what came out.
But I’m wondering who
Ground some wheat with a stone
Mixed it with milk and bacteria
Then left it alone
Before heating it up
To 300 degrees
And then frying it up
With some butter and cheese…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 