If I had a chicken sandwich
For every time I ever farted
My death by starvation would be queuing.
If I had a chicken sandwich
For every time I lied
You’d never hear my farts above the chewing.
Tag Archives: Travesty
Game Niiiiiiight! *Pumps Fist And Hurts Shoulder In The Dorkiest Possible Way*
Today I was a prophetess
Who traveled with two mules
Slaying monsters o’er the realm
According to the rules.
I was struck down by a dwarf
After a clash of elder magic
Because I rolled the dice with death
And my results were tragic.
Four hours were by family spent
In quest for crown and glory.
After that, we ate pizza rolls
And thus endeth the story.
Filed under Poems
How Covid REALLY Started
The school buses are back on the roads
And people are not happy.
They carry children by the loads
And make the traffic crappy.
What if instead of the buses
All the kids just stayed home sick?
Sure, the minuses outweigh the pluses
But the traffic would go quick!
Filed under Poems
All The Low Notes, All At Once, Fortissimo… An Unexpected Climax
Men, you probably know by now
About romantic passion,
And how the ambiance before
Takes quite a bit to fashion.
One must say the secret words
To snare a woman’s heart
And have stamina and strength enough
To delay that tempting fart.
Tonight I learned another step
That our ancestors did
That promoted procreation:
They closed the piano keyboard lid.
Alas, I lacked their wisdom
And an Earth that might have shaken
Is now not more than legend
Thanks to the route the cat has taken.
Filed under Poems
*Grunt, Impale Worm On Hook, Lifelong Companion*
Women will talk to their friends
About what their friends would say
If they knew what someone whose not their friend
Said “Hi” instead of “Hey”.
They’ll whisper all about a person’s
Clothes or hair or walk.
Guys don’t have this problem
Because male friends don’t talk.
Guess What I’m Doing After Writing This?
When someone says “When was your last shower”
And you honestly can’t remember
That’s what most folks call “disgusting.”
I call it “September”.
Filed under Poems
Linguistic History 101
I love how someone decided
That they could just combine
Two words and make another word
And act like it was fine.
So came about such portmanteaus
As “Sandpaper” and “Sweatshirt”,
And even though no harm was done
I’m feeling kind of butt-hurt.
And how come some compound words
Need to be hyphenated?
Like cross-eye, but not loveseat?
Is anyone else devastated?
Apparently the jury’s out
And no one cares but me.
I think I’ll solve this once and for all
By founding Germany.
Filed under Poems
Family Reunion In Alaska
At my parents’ house
Played board games and shot a bear
Like a kid again
Filed under Poems
Moving Up In The World
He’s standing on the sidewalk
Dancing with a sign
Because the company on the corner
Wants more people to be buyin’.
He’s singing to the hip-hop song
That only he can hear
Until his phone says 5:00 O’clock
And he can disappear.
His spirit’s probably broken
And he really has to pee,
But at least he makes more money
Than I do with poetry.
Filed under Poems
Watch… It’ll Be A Baby Name Too In 2035
A fantasy author was getting tired
Of calling things dragons, and so he hired
A marketing guru and said “Hey, it’s lame
“That all of these dragons have the same name!”
So the marketing guru sat down and thought
That people didn’t use “Y” quite a lot,
So he proposed the namesWyvern and Wyrm
And both those became an acceptable term.
Alas, Mr. writer will probably live
Long enough for his stories to give
The inevitable climax, the ultimate sin:
A book where the monster is spelled as “Dragyn”.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 