I promised myself I wouldn’t write
Another “Night before Christmas” parody.
So now I have to come up with
Hard rhymes, like “Carroty”.
Also included are “Parity”,
“Ferrety”, “charity”, “merrity”,
“Clarity”, “plurality,” “McGarrity”, “Jarret E.”
I guess those rhymes aren’t such a rarity!
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She saw a roll of wrapping paper,
A pool noodle, and a stick.
He saw a lightsaber, a lightsaber, and a lightsaber
Because he has a dick.
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Tomorrow I’m strapping knives to my feet
And throwing myself down a hill.
Then I’ll get on a chair that flies through the air
And do it again for a thrill.
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Tonight I stayed home to guarantee
I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.
I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,
Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.
I was also playing video games
And burning wood to keep my house hot.
I had an awesome time doing everything but
Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.
I spent an evening by myself
Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”
At the TV, so although I’m a dumby
My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!
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Young girls get to be princesses
And have real tea at their party
And have sugar and milk
And gloves made of silk,
But boys? Yep! We get to be farty!
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Today I woke at 5:00 AM
To play a video game
Where I got to go to school
With a crocodile made of flame
And ride a living, dragon motorcycle
Far across the land,
Throwing balls at animals
So they’re at my command.
I took a day off work for this,
Ignored my social life,
Forgot to take a shower with
The girl who’ll be my wife.
All this is the triumph
Of a fully grown adult
Whose parents never let him buy
A pumpkin catapult.
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Today we got to experience twice
The hour of 1:00 AM.
As hours go, it was very nice
And my sleep was remarkably REM.
Tomorrow I get to experience once
The hour of butt-crack-of-dawn
So I sign off this poem with the word “dunce”
And a working man’s 8:00 PM yawn.
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Today I drove a long, long way.
Tomorrow I got to the dentist.
That’s why this poem is short,
As if written by the poet’s apprentice.
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I remember when saying “Thank you Ma’am”
Was polite, not a micro-aggression.
I recall when when “Boys and girls”
Was how you called kids to attention.
I was there when, instead of a mask,
We taught kids to cover their cough.
Now I work and stay quiet ‘cause I can’t deny
It is nice to still get summers off.
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Sitting by the fire
And my Seahawks won today.
Long day, short poem.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 