There once was a man with a wife
Who, for some reason, valued his life.
Twas the week of the shark,
So he went to the park
Knowing she’s apt to wield a knife.
Tag Archives: Women
On The Virtue Of Realistic Standards
What is a horse other than a unicorn
That doesn’t have a shiny horn
Or wings or pink hair or magical power
And never, ever takes a shower?
So why would you ever want a horse
When a unicorn is better with no recourse?
The answer, dear reader, in case you are stumped
Is precisely why even Tom Brady gets dumped.
Filed under Poems
The Butterfly Effect
There comes a time in every man’s life
Where he is trapped with his female kin
And there’s crying and talking and crafting galore
And he’s trying his best to fit in
But after an hour of trying to talk
And solve problems, he has an epiphany:
His life as he knows it is over because
He hit on a waitress named Tiffany…
Filed under Poems
Within Every Girl Is A Great Power, Waiting For These Words To Be Unleashed…
In animated TV shows
A girl will find a magic thing
And say a word like “Fairy glows”
And the world around her blooms and sings
And rainbows fly around her while
Her outfit morphs, her hair grows long,
And she becomes “Power Angel Smile”,
As beautiful as she is strong.
Armed with justice, power, and grace
She slays all who her oppose.
Who can stop her and erase
Her magic power? No one knows!
If you would see this transformation
And a woman gain this deadly crown
Just say “Babe, for your information
“You’re overreacting. Just calm down.”
Filed under Poems
Hygiene Standards
I walked down the rows
Of “Bed, Bath, and Beyond“
Smelling hand soaps with names
Like “Starlight” and “Palm Frond”.
Then I left to go back
To “Bob’s Soap Retailer”
Where they sell soap called “White”
And “Hope She Lets You Impale ‘Er”.
Filed under Poems
Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…
They make elbow pasta,
Bow ties and angel hair,
But I think they should make a noodle
For guys who have a pair:
A noodle like the balls that hang
Behind your pickup truck…
(It was at this point my girlfriend said
I’m already in luck).
Filed under Poems
*Grunt, Impale Worm On Hook, Lifelong Companion*
Women will talk to their friends
About what their friends would say
If they knew what someone whose not their friend
Said “Hi” instead of “Hey”.
They’ll whisper all about a person’s
Clothes or hair or walk.
Guys don’t have this problem
Because male friends don’t talk.
Stuff People Like
Cars and sports and guns and sports
And balls and boobs and mustard:
These (plus sports) are what guys like;
Other stuff makes them flustered.
I would write another poem
About what women like too
But they just can’t even anymore
And if you don’t know, they won’t tell you.
Filed under Poems
She’s Actually Not, But The Punchline Makes Me Seem Desperate, And Desperation Is Funny
My girl is sexier than yours.
She could knock hinges off doors.
She has pretty knees and toes
And looks good with and without clothes.
She has pretty auburn hair
And says fancy stuff like “Au contraire”.
She’s the girl I’m going to marry…
Who cares if she’s imaginary?
Filed under Poems
Just Another Way Men Are Casually Oppressed
All the women who play video games
And complain about bikini armor
Never seem to complain about how
Swords and arrows never harm her,
But men are stuck with heavy armor
Instead of a chainmail thong
Because if men could wear female armor
They’d be unbelievably strong.
Filed under Poems
